I'm struggling to get my head around it.
TLDR; There's either a problem with my year group or that I'm the problem standing in their way.
I'm currently in my final year in High School and fall under the autism spectrum. I have a mixed reputation, had nasty rumors circulate (they don't even know me either) my first three years. After diagnosis and regular sessions, I have no clue whether I'm respected in my year group or downright shamed.
I started my journey of mental health four years ago, I’ve made many buddies along the way. I do well in my classes, had as many as 4 drama/music/art extracurriculars when I was in Year 9-10, have kept in touch with most of my friends and acquaintances up to now, and most importantly, I'm doing fine. I know I'm loved, worthy, and respected; That I have people around me who I can talk to and hang out with when I have the time.
But unfortunately, I can't do any of these extracurriculars anymore. It's tough meeting up with my extracurricular mates now. My friends are diverse. From all walks of life, some started high school, some have a job, some dropped for TAFE, some go to UNI. And we mainly interact online until time allows us otherwise.
I've always felt iffy with people my age. At first, it was me being judgmental, but afterwards I told myself; "What's the worst that could happen?" and dove right in. I opened up to the kids in my year group. Some kids were nice, some were straight up dismissive.
I tried to reach out. I smile. I ask groups if I could eat with them, I ask if I could sit and talk with them, I join in conversations where applicable. I'm always the one having to start the conversation. And all I get? One worded answers. Strange glances. When I sit with people they eventually move away from me to sit with a friend. When I greet them they give menacing glances. They make strange faces at me. I’ve caught them pointing and laughing at me. When they have questions about a subject I do my best to help them out. When I struggle with a problem, I ask for help from kids too. But in the end, nothing.
It's so isolating. Fyi, I DO have friends the same grade as me. But 80% of the people in my grade say otherwise. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. As much as I want to ignore them I NEED them. My friends take different career paths than me, I'm stuck with these kids in my subjects. If we want to succeed in the HSC we have to work together. But they aren't giving me a chance. What am I supposed to do?
Is it me?