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Topic: I'm too tired to care anymore.

19 posts, 0 answered
  1. Anon#1234
    Anon#1234 avatar
    7 posts
    16 March 2020

    To be honest, I just couldn't care less about anything anymore.

    I've got 2 assignment due tomorrow, and I don't even care about the repercussions if I don't hand them in. There's just no point, I'm going to live, work, work, work, work and die. There's no happy ending for me and, if i'm being honest, I don't even deserve one anyway. I'm a terrible person, and there's nothing any of you could say to make me change my opinion.

    I've ruined my parents marriage and have just made life more miserable, without even trying. My dad is dying cancer, and he can't afford treatment. That is my fault. A couple of weeks before it was diagnosed, I was visiting him, and while we were playing, he slipped and broke his arm. He hasn't been able to work since, and hasn't been able to earn money. If I hadn't played with him, he would have enough money to afford treatment.

    I've cried for too long, I think i've got no more tears left. I just don't even care anymore.

    I'm too lazy to even think of attempting suicide, and I've got nothing to wake up to. Everyone hates me, and I hate myself too.

    I've tried to change my mindset, and even working out, but there's no point if i'm going to die eventually.

    The only reason I'm even writing on this is because I promised my old therapist.

    1 person found this helpful
  2. Aaronsis
    Community Champion
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    2459 posts
    16 March 2020 in reply to Anon#1234

    Hi Anon#1234

    Welcome to the forum and I am so very glad that even when you are feeling so much dislike for yourself, so much weight on your shoulders and so much pain and guilt that you have done one thing, that is so very big and so important and that is honor your promise to your old therapist and write a post here.

    It is such a wonderful community and I credit my healing to this place. There is no judgement so you can write and express how you are feeling and be as you say Anon#1234, totally anonymous.

    I am not going to try to change your mind about how you feel about yourself, I just want to listen, to be a friend and have you have a safe place that you can come to chat. I was so pleased to hear that you are not considering taking your life, even if laziness is the barrier, I am happy with that. However if anything changes and you do feel unsafe, please use some support services like LifeLine on 13 11 14 or even an ambulance on 000.

    Maybe if I share something about me that would help you to see the healing I have done in this space and maybe give you some hope that there are better times ahead, that there are laughs to have and that there are people who care. See in July last year my 19 year old brother took his life, he was a second year Chemical Engineering Student and we thought a young man with everything going his way, he got 3 scholarships and had many friends. We are a loving family and the news that he had taken his life rocked us to the core. We had no idea of the internal struggles he battled everyday. Being here allowed me to receive support from others who have experienced suicide as well as those who have attempted it and failed. These people have shared their grief with me and given me hope, given me insight that mostly people who take their lives dont want to die, they want the pain to stop. I have learnt about anxiety and depression and how it plays tricks with your mind and your feelings. That it is not truths and should not be believed. That there can be a happy life after anxiety and depression and attempts on your life, that with help there are better days ahead.

    Can I also say that your parents marriage is actually between them, that you are not responsible in anyway for it's ending? Their marriage and the problems that went with it is actually between the two of them and sure, external influences can impact this but at the end of the day the marriage is theirs.

    I hope to chat to you some more.

    Huge hugs

    Sarah xx

    1 person found this helpful
  3. Tay100
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    647 posts
    16 March 2020 in reply to Anon#1234

    Hi Anon#1234,

    Firstly, just wanted to say it's great to see you accessing spaces like this in times of need, that's a great first step. I hear where you are coming from. I agree with what Aaronsis has said- if I may add some things that could be of help, I'd say:

    In times of desolation, guilt, self-hatred and inertia, it is important to be self-compassionate in any way you can. I'm not talking about changing your mindset or trying to forgive yourself, not if you can't even conceptualise what that might look like for you just yet. I'm talking about self-care and survival- there doesn't have to be a point or anything to work towards yet if you don't want too. Just try drinking a glass of water. Running a brush through your hair. Maybe it's just trying to stay awake for more than 2 hours at a time without falling asleep. These small things together will help with self-preservation and allow you to take your journey wherever you want to go, whether that's just going through the motions because that's what manageable right now, or slowly healing and focusing on the challenges ahead when, and only when you are ready.

    Hope this lets you know that it's okay not to feel okay with being deeply unhappy or unmotivated, but not be ready to deal with those feelings all the while.

    Here to chat if you like

    1 person found this helpful
  4. MacJS
    MacJS avatar
    10 posts
    28 April 2020 in reply to Anon#1234

    I know the feeling of having a parent suffer from cancer, my mum has suffered from 2 different types of cancer but has survived both. I'm very grateful, and I hope your dad gets better. You shouldn't blame yourself for things you can't control, like your parents' marriage.

    You do deserve a happy life and a happy ending, even if you don't think so. If you're trying to change your mindset into positivity, take baby steps because you aren't gonna go to bed sad and wake up happy and optimistic. Maybe you can start by looking in the mirror, smile, say something positive like "I love myself" or "You look amazing today". Appreciate the little things you did today :)

    1 person found this helpful
  5. Tay100
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    29 April 2020

    Hi Anon#1234

    Just wanted to check on how you were travelling? Feel free to talk to us if you feel like that's something you want to do, no pressure at all. I think Aaronsis and MacJS have some solid words of advice as well- we are here if you need.

    Sending kindness,

    Tay100


  6. Anon#1234
    Anon#1234 avatar
    7 posts
    27 October 2020 in reply to Tay100

    Hey there, everyone.

    I wasn't going to reply to this thread, I thought I was fine, but today, I really wanted to kill myself. We were doing an experiment in school, and I had a specific and intense thought to suicide. Classmates even said I looked like I was contemplating suicide.

    What do I do?

  7. Aaronsis
    Community Champion
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    2459 posts
    27 October 2020 in reply to Anon#1234

    Welcome back Anon#1234

    It is so great that you have come here to chat, that is the first wonderful thing to do.

    The next thing to do is to make sure you are safe, if you feel like you are not safe please call 000 and have an ambulance come to support you at this time. You can also present to the Emergency department and the hospital if that helps too.

    I am wondering if you have a parent or a friend that can be with you at this time to even just sit with you? I understand that your dad is not well at the moment but I am sure that does not change the love and care he has for you. Are you able to chat to him and tell him how you are feeling?

    I am so proud you have reached out to let us know how you are feeling, I am just so sorry you are feeling this bad. As mentioned before there is also Kids Helpline on 1800 55 1800 if you need to get some support from them too, they are truly wonderful.

    What happened today in class when you were doing the experiment? Can you put a finger on what may have triggered you? Only if you want to share that is.

    Hope to chat some more to you Anon#1234, you matter so very very much and we care about you.

    hugs

    Sarah

  8. Sophie_M
    Sophie_M avatar
    5893 posts
    27 October 2020 in reply to Anon#1234
    Hi Anon#1234, 
    We're so sorry to hear about this overwhelming urge to suicide today, it really sounds like you've struggling at the moment. Even with these thoughts and feelings, we're glad to see that you've reached out for support. 

    We would really encourage you to speak with someone about this in more detail, whether it is someone you trust in your life (such as a teacher or school counsellor) or one of the many counsellor at Beyond Blue (1300 224 636), Life Line (13 11 14), Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) or Kids Helpline (1800 551 800). 

    We have also sent you a private email to offer you additional support during this difficult time. 

     
  9. Anon#1234
    Anon#1234 avatar
    7 posts
    29 October 2020 in reply to Sophie_M

    My dad's gotten better, he managed to beat it, so this isn't about him.

    I don't particularly know what caused it, but people who have bullied me in the past keep talking to me in a nice way, and I just don't know why, cause I know they hate me. It made me scared that they're trying to humiliate me, so maybe I was considering it out of fear.

  10. Tay100
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    647 posts
    30 October 2020

    Hi Anon#1234

    I'm sorry to hear you are you in a tough headspace and the realisation you had about fear is very understandable. I'm happy to hear your Dad is doing better though. Are you feeling safer now? Have you been able to reach out to any of the services Sophie_M suggested? If you need help navigating the services let us know.

    Tay100

  11. Aaronsis
    Community Champion
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    30 October 2020 in reply to Anon#1234

    Hey Anon#1234

    That is really great news that your dad has been able to beat his battle with cancer, that is such great news for your family too.

    The reason I did mention it was more from a point of asking you if he was perhaps someone with whom you could share how you are feeling at the moment and share with him some of the thoughts you are having?

    School is a very interesting place in that there are so many young people who are trying to find their way in the world and trying to figure out not only what they want to do in life but who they are. This as you know is a really tricky time and everyone is trying to fit in and make friends and find out where they belong. Along the way it does leave room for bullying and making others feel bad at the intention of making ones self feel better or making ones self journey less painful.

    There could be a million reasons that we could speculate why those who have humiliated you or bullied you in the past are now showing kindness...we could spend all of our time wondering and considering why, but how I have managed this in the past is with caution, but kindness. I do believe people can modify behaviors so maybe something has happened to them that they have considered their behavior in the past and are making an effort to right the wrongs. People do get the chance at a second chance for me, as I do believe people can change, however if after that they prove not to be worthy of my kindness and friendship then I am happy for them to move on. I think if you take each interaction in how it is intended and if they are being kind you may choose to accept with caution, enter into a brief conversation but let them show you what they are intending.

    I am so proud you are here talking and I hope that it is helping in some small way. I am wondering how you are feeling and how the past few days have been for you.

    We care about you so very much and I hope that you also have been able to think about the Kids Helpline too, they are so wonderful Anon#1234.

    Hugs to you

    Sarah

  12. Anon#1234
    Anon#1234 avatar
    7 posts
    30 October 2020 in reply to Aaronsis

    I've been planning on calling Kids Helpline, but I have assignments that I have to focus on first. When I'm done them, I'm going to call them ASAP.

    I know that people can change, but I just can't trust them, they made me feel worthless for the majority of my life, and I've developed trust issues because of them, I can't help but assume they're trying to do something to hurt me more, and I don't want to give them that chance to do something to me.

    Thanks to everyone for talking to me, I've still been getting those thoughts, and I've been having panic attacks about them, but I'll try to find some help.

  13. Aaronsis
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    30 October 2020 in reply to Anon#1234

    Great that you are going to give the help line a call.

    I also wanted to take this moment to point out something that is pretty cool to you....you may already know this but I want to say how proud I was of you when I read "I have assignments to focus on first"...see that is a very different place you are coming from than when you first posted here Anon#1234, when you said "I've got 2 assignment due tomorrow, and I don't even care about the repercussions if I don't hand them in".. I am wondering if you can see this win? I can hear a person who is in a different mindset to the one who first posted here.

    I also wanted to bring your attention to how much blame you put on yourself when you talked about your dad, that he was sick, that he could not afford treatment as he could not work and this was a result of an injury and the injury occurred while playing with you, there fore it was all your fault and you said "I am a terrible person". I just wanted to reflect on that with you as now your father is better, you said he "managed to beat it".. I wanted to unpack that with you so that you could see how your father's journey and his treatment path actually had nothing to do with you...nothing at all...and therefore how on earth could you be a terrible person.

    I am wondering if you can use this example to see that our thoughts can take us on very ugly and dark journeys and mostly they are untrue. I am hoping you can afford yourself the notion that you are not a terrible person at all. That when those thoughts come to you you can stop, and ask yourself "is that true"....I wonder if the answer will be no..I am quite sure it will be.

    I feel so proud of you that you have been able to share here and been able to be so raw with how you are feeling and what you have been thinking, this is half the journey too, sharing and getting some feedback and also questioning.

    Hope to chat to you some more, when you are ready and have some time, there is no pressure from us.

    Hugs

    Sarah

  14. Anon#1234
    Anon#1234 avatar
    7 posts
    30 October 2020 in reply to Aaronsis

    Yeah. I can see that I've probably been getting a better mindset.

    I can't help but think that it's all my fault, or that I'm awful. If I wasn't so bad, why would I have been constantly harassed? I don't know any other answers but that, it's the only one that makes sense to me.

  15. Anon#1234
    Anon#1234 avatar
    7 posts
    30 October 2020 in reply to Anon#1234

    Here's a sort of update, I guess...

    I talked to Kids Helpline, literally just got off the phone 3 minutes ago, and while I'm not going to say I'm 'cured' or 'better', I think I've calmed down from what I tried to do 2 days ago.

    Thanks for all the help so far, everyone. Day 1 of me trying to get better, I guess?

    3 people found this helpful
  16. Aaronsis
    Community Champion
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    2459 posts
    31 October 2020 in reply to Anon#1234

    Oh wow.... this is the best news of today Anon#1234...

    It is day 1 and everyday is day 1... the chance to make some choices that make u feel... something... happy or even crying to purge those feelings.

    Kids Helpline are true gems and I encourage you to call them as often as you need. Talking and getting a new perspective is so helpful I have found.

    I would also like to thank your therapist for asking you to post here.... and mostly that u did... if only to satisfy him/ her... I can see how you are taking the reins now of your journey and this is so wonderful.

    I hope u can also talk through how you are feeling with the people at your school and accepting that the issues are with them and never about you... that is a hard concept to digest as you are the one they lashed out at... but usually what people project out is usually the very thing they themselves struggle with.

    Keep your eyes focused ahead and see the good days to come.. u are making this happen and I am so proud of you.

    Hugs and so happy for you Anon#1234

    Sarah

  17. Tay100
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    1 November 2020 in reply to Anon#1234

    Hi Anon#1234

    It's good to hear that you could get onto KidsLine, they are a great resource. You are right as well- it's good to take these things one day at a time. Feel free to keep us updated on how you go if you like.

    Tay100

  18. Anon#1234
    Anon#1234 avatar
    7 posts
    3 November 2020 in reply to Tay100

    Hey there, everyone. Been talking to Kids Helpline a bit, and I'm going to go see a therapist tomorrow.

    Guess that'll be the start of my actual road to recovery then.

    I'm kinda nervous, but I know I gotta do it.

    2 people found this helpful
  19. Tay100
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    5 November 2020 in reply to Anon#1234

    Hi Anon#1234

    It's good to hear KidsLine have been helpful- and feel free to let us know the therapist goes- we are here to listen if you'd like to talk to us about the therapy experience if you like!

    Tay100

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