Welcome to the forum and for sharing how you are feeling, it is not easy to post here and I am so proud you have. I can hear how unmotivated you are feeling, how frustrated you are feeling and even in all of that I also see some light, something positive.
You said that "if I try something.." the most awesome thing here is that you are still trying, you are still having a go and that is wonderful. It is not easy to get up every day and face the day when you are feeling like this, but I can hear you are..would this be right?
Finding self love is also a bit of a journey, but it is very possible, if you wanted to talk some more about that we can. To help you to see how wonderful you are, for you to see the goodness and the beauty in you, and to appreciate who you are and that you are doing good things.
It is really easy to see all the negative things we do, to be our own worst enemy, but mostly these are thoughts that are not true. Thoughts are just that, thoughts and not actions, you do not have to act or accept them. It is a hard process to change but it is possible One9Eight.
I hope to chat to you some more, if you would like to share what else is going on for you, I am here to listen and to sit with you through this.
Hugs to you