I've been trying to force myself to want a job, but I just don't want one. Jobseeker is basically a job, so I don't want that either. Its just not worth going through all that that for such a tiny amount of money. Its not even worth it.
I know money is important, but honestly being homeless, broke, starving, destitute, sick, dead etc as a consequence isn't scary enough. There's things that will happen to me that are 100x scarier then that. Like climate change.
I genuinely from the bottom of my heart dont see a point in working for money. It just doesn't make any logical sense. Money isn't even rewarding, it just means you get to live a bit longer. To work longer. Why would I just waste my time pretending like I will live until retirement age? That's just not realistic.
I just want to spend time with my family and walk in the park while I can, before bad things happen. I don't want to waste any moment because this time of my life will probably be the happiest.
I have severe ADHD and I can tell that if I went the jobseeker route that I would get so many demerits and stress and appointments for years... its just not worth it. I don't want a job, its not even important.
I know people do things even though they don't like it. But I struggle to do things that I like too. I struggle a lot to do very basic activities of daily living. Absolute necessities. I think to do something and my body doesn't respond. It doesn't matter what it is or how severe it is. I had an allergic reaction to food earlier today and my airway was closing up fast. I should have been rushing to the doctor, but my body just wanted to sit, I struggled to care about it even though it was getting harder to breathe. It all happened passively.
I'm fine now, but yeah idk that experince just left thoughts in my head. I don't understand how people just do things whenever they want to. I literally have never been able to do what I want or what I need. I can move but I'm not doing what I want/need. Its like being paralysed in a moving body. You could say typing here is 'moving' but if I could choose I would not post this info here as its too personal. Also, I want and need to be doing other more important things.. But its not like I have much control over what my body chooses to do, so.
Anyway if you have thoughts, please share. I'm just lost here. Things don't really feel real and I've been acting super out of character (like really mean) recently. Don't really understand why I'm like this.