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Topic: I dont know who i am anymore

  1. Unicorndogge
    Unicorndogge avatar
    140 posts
    13 September 2020 in reply to Ggrand

    These groups dont work already tried them no point trying something that you know wont work.

    Jobs wont get me any happiness no one would want to talk to me bacuse i am always either ignored or i am jealous of that person, jist like i am with the russian guy i am going to get rid of him in a minute because i know he doesnt like me his only being nice to me and if i talk to him i like him more and more and then he will hate me more and more. I cant even have a friends online. Maybe he doesn't even like me as a friend, his just nice to everyone i am not any different i am just a piece of junk he is going to get rid of. Thats why he has to stop talking to me before he hates me. I want him as a friend but he doesnt want me

  2. Unicorndogge
    Unicorndogge avatar
    140 posts
    23 September 2020
    I am to fat now just on top of all the other problems. Now no one would even want to look at me i have no appeal to me at all. I have lost the only thing, its already bad enough having no friends
  3. Unicorndogge
    Unicorndogge avatar
    140 posts
    24 September 2020
    Everyone hates me cant even do simple things. No wonder people leave me, am i just that useless
  4. Tay100
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    647 posts
    25 September 2020 in reply to Unicorndogge

    Hi Unicorndogge

    I'm sorry you were feeling in a tough headspace yesterday- how are things today? Please know you aren't useless. People care, including those in this thread and the wider forum community- people find meaningful online friendships here- we could help you with this, if you like. We are a caring, safe space, and we are here to listen and help you find the best way to address your concerns. Have you found something that has worked for you so far since your first post? Even something small that helps you manage things day-to-day?

    Tay100

  5. Ggrand
    Community Champion
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    Ggrand avatar
    9058 posts
    25 September 2020 in reply to Unicorndogge

    Hello Unicorndogge,

    Im sorry I’ve not been around for you lately...Like you I struggle with my mental health and sometimes go down that I am unable to post because I don’t know the right words to say to help support you...

    I am sorry you feel the need to push away your penpal...the way I see it..he likes you for who you are and enjoys talking to you..if he didn’t like you..he would have stopped talking to you a long time ago....He sounds like a nice caring person...Please try hard to accept his care for you because you really do deserve it...and he enjoys talking to you as well...

    Sending you my care and kind thoughts..dear lovely Unicorn....

    Grandy..

  6. Unicorndogge
    Unicorndogge avatar
    140 posts
    15 October 2020
    Well everything was going good for few weeks. I made a new friend his name is josh we have been hanging out heaps but he is moving to queensland as soon as the borders open. I dont want him to abandon me then I will be alone again, I can’t be alone again. I still talk to my Russian penpal but it is so nice having a friend in person then his going to go just when things were getting better. We almost had sex the other day, maybe that’s why he isn’t talking as much because I don’t have any experience with this. I am so confused? And I can’t deal with this what is the point of me whenever things get better they end up getting worse and worse each time.
  7. Tay100
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    18 October 2020 in reply to Unicorndogge

    Hi Unicorndogge

    I'm sorry to hear about your friend possibly leaving for QLD once the borders open- maybe you can gain a new penpal along with your friend from Russia? If his being distant after you almost slept together bothers you, try to engage in some positive distractions perhaps, possibly involving (safe) face to face contact with others. This may help with the low mood you are feeling right now in general. For example, things are going up and then down for you- what can you do to take care of yourself in these moments? Even something super small such as recognising a bad feeling of hopelessness approaching, and then phoning a friend and reaching out to them. What might this look for you?

    Tay100

  8. Unicorndogge
    Unicorndogge avatar
    140 posts
    18 October 2020 in reply to Tay100

    Hey tay

    Well its to late i lost my virginity with him yesterday, if my nan finds out she will be so angry with me even though she likes him. I think his a nice guy, his my only friend really so i dont want to lose my only friend that i can hang out with, even though i have my russian friend its just not the same as hanging out with someone. So really he is all i have got it will break me to lose him and doing what i did yesterday was implusive but i kind of dont regret it.

  9. Tay100
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    19 October 2020 in reply to Unicorndogge

    Hi Unicorndogge

    Thanks for updating us. It seems this guy is important to you- I can see why you went all the way with him- and just because sleeping with him was impulsive, doesn't mean you have to regret it. Wanting to spend time with some in real life is a precious thing- is there anyone else you can connect with when he moves? You could even link with your local council to find events or meet people online and then cultivate relationships with them in real life at a local event if you felt comfortable with that. You can of course keep in contact with the guy after he moves to QLD- you can still be connected with him whilst you search for people to hang with in person.

    Tay100

  10. Unicorndogge
    Unicorndogge avatar
    140 posts
    20 October 2020 in reply to Tay100

    Hey tay

    His saying we should distance ourselves now because he thinks i like him more then a friend and because his going away he doesnt want that. I dont understand maybe he doesnt like me at all and is jist playing with my feelings. Maybe he just wanted sex or maybe its because he knows i am not a good friend. No wonder i dont have any friends. Maybe i am asking to much but why give me all this love when you dont even like me?

    He is moving on a island and he said he wont have much internet so we can barely talk, what was the point of becoming his friend when it just leads to more pain in the end. This always seems to happen to me, everyone leaves at some point and i think why do i even bother maybe i am meant to be ALONE FOREVER. Why did i let him suck me into this friendship? Why me, why do i deserve this? What have i done wrong?

  11. Tay100
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    647 posts
    23 October 2020 in reply to Unicorndogge

    Hi Unicorndogge

    These are some tough and big questions- we all face relationship and friendship challenges like this- you aren't alone in having these sorts of things to deal with. You are not to blame, you haven't done anything wrong. Continuing to voice it in safe spaces like this one would be a good thing- have you considered reaching out for more help? It could be a good thing to have in place before this guy moves to QLD. That way, you can still communicate and keep up a friendship with him (as much as the internet allows), if that's something you want to pursue still, and you can work through any feelings you have in a safe, productive way in the meantime. This includes any feelings of being let down, loneliness and "friendship" grief you may feel as a result of you two getting close and then him leaving, which abruptly changes the friendship- again, at no fault of your own. Sophie_M has left some great resources for you to scroll through- let us know what you think of them.

    Tay100

  12. M00tis
    M00tis avatar
    2 posts
    23 October 2020 in reply to Unicorndogge
    Hello Unicorn,

    Never say that no one cares about your, as that is NOT true! It may seem like it at first but it is not like that! I care about you, and your well being! I care about you even though I don't personally know you!

    Harming yourself, disowning your self is not the right way! Take some time, little things like listening to music when you sleep and study helps me stay calm with anything! Take a few moments to just stop. Think. Do.

    Have a great day and I hope to hear back from you!

    -Max
  13. therising
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    2177 posts
    23 October 2020 in reply to Unicorndogge

    Hi Unicorndogge

    I imagine your Russian pen pal is a naturally thoughtful and sensitive person who sees the best in you. Naturally thoughtful sensitive people will always see the best in us, even if we can't see it our self. Insensitive people typically don't have this incredible ability. You notice how everyone who's responded to you here is naturally thoughtful and sensitive.

    The title of your thread 'I don't know who I am anymore' leads me to imagine you to also (like the rest of us) be someone who is very natural (yet feeling deeply challenged at the moment), very thoughtful in the way you question yourself and others and very sensitive in the way you feel so much. While I've discovered many up sides to being sensitive, there are some challenges, for sure. For example, sensitive people typically have an open mind. They're typically not closed minded like arrogant people are. While an open mind can allow for inspiration to freely enter, this open mind can also easily let in the stuff we wish would not enter, such as self doubt caused by others, harsh judgement, hopelessness etc. Being surrounded by people who lead us to hope less or give us no hope at all can really impact a sensitive open minded person.

    Unicorndogge, it's taken me many years to realise the impact others have had on my sensitivity and open minded nature. It may sound strange but I have rediscovered my super natural ability to wonder. We began life with wonder. We typically began life with a lot of our natural abilities being practiced. I wonder if you have ever tried wondering out loud at people. What I mean by this is...You can think 'I wonder what my pen pal sees in me'. Now, you can keep this wondering to yourself or you can say to him 'I wonder what you see in me'. You might be pleasantly surprised by what he says. He might say 'You're not as artificial as most people' or 'You lead me to feel comfortable, like I don't have to pretend to be someone else when I write to you or talk to you'. Often we'll be attracted to people who naturally bring out the best in us. Such people raise our spirits, raise our consciousness and raise our self esteem. Basically, they raise us.

    Unicorndogge, I believe you to be a very sensitive, natural, thoughtful person who is looking to find the best in them self. From my experience, finding the best in our self is a journey taken with greater ease when those who are lighting the way easily see our beauty, our strengths and our potential.

    :)

  14. Unicorndogge
    Unicorndogge avatar
    140 posts
    29 October 2020

    Hey everyone thankyou for replying

    I just want say everything was getting better until today i feel funny and i am scared i am pregnant. My anxiety is coming back now, its like i am destined for things to go bad. I know there is a low chance i will be pregnant but still if i am i am not ready at all. I am just starting to learn how to drive and i havent even got a job but i am getting one, things cant be ruined now. I think i am overthinking it like, i used protection but there is still a slight change also this cant happen his my friend who is moving away to queensland. Never mind this rant i will see how things go tommorow at the doctors.

  15. Tay100
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    30 October 2020 in reply to Unicorndogge

    Hi Unicorndogge

    It's good to hear you are learning to drive and getting a job- it's understandable that an unexpected pregnancy would shake things up for you. Seeing the doctor is a good idea- then you can work out how to move forward after getting some solid answers. Keep us updated if you like.

    Tay100

    1 person found this helpful
  16. Unicorndogge
    Unicorndogge avatar
    140 posts
    30 October 2020 in reply to Tay100

    Hey tay

    I went to the doctors today and they took a urine and pregnancy test i was negetive for both. Then she felt my stomach and based of what i said she thinks its a bowel thing. But i took this medince and i just feel worse. She wadnt 100% certain either and i rarely get sick, i am scared i dont know whats wrong if it doesnt work by tommorow then i dont know what i am going to do. Well my nan knows everything now she isnt mad just shocked that i would do something like that, i guess i was too when this happened.

  17. Tay100
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    1 November 2020 in reply to Unicorndogge

    Hi Unicorndogge

    It's good that your Nan isn't mad- maybe she could be a source of support for you through this, now that she knows?
    How did yesterday at work go- did the medicine work? What are some self-care things you can do to support yourself during this time whilst you get this bowel problem sorted out and process your emotions?

    Feel free to brainstorm here!

    Tay100

  18. Unicorndogge
    Unicorndogge avatar
    140 posts
    1 November 2020 in reply to Tay100

    Hey tay

    I dont have a job and i really dont care about helping myself when nothing will work anyways. The medicine worked but my problem now is that my friend is leaving in 6 weeks. Maybe his not my friend anyone after last night, I know I am selfish but he didn’t need to force it on me. He can’t understand that I am upset all he is going on about is how his niece is the most important thing well WHAT ABOUT ME, I HAVE CHECKED ON HIM AT WORK EVERYDAY AND HE NEVER CHECKED ON ME WHEN I WAS SICK. JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE A JOB DOESNT MEAN YOU CANT TALK TO ANYONE AFTER. I MAY BE SLEFISH BUT I AM SURE AS NOT MEAN FOR CHECKING ON HIM AND I EXPECT HIM TO DO THE SAME. SICK OF BEING TREATED LIKE I AM NOTHING SPECIAL AND A PIECE OF GARBAGE.

    1 person found this helpful
  19. Tay100
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    2 November 2020 in reply to Unicorndogge

    Hi Unicorndogge

    We hear you, it can be so frustrating when we invest so much time, energy and care into someone to show them that we care about them, only they don't reciprocate it. It can be even more confusing and disheartening when we don't know why that's the case. If he can't understand that he's being insensitive, you can try and practise self-compassion, and recognise that you have done all you can to communicate with him about how his actions make you feel. That takes persistence, grace and patience in spite of the frustration you feel, and so some self-care after that might be beneficial. Do something small to engage your senses, even if you feel like getting some help for everything 'overall' may be to overwhelming or not worth it right now. There are some great links on the forum that can give you a step by step guide- feel free to explore anything in the https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well thread that might resonate with you, or we can help you navigate some of the main links if you like. Completely up to you- we value your contributions to the forum and we are here to listen and support you.

    Tay100

  20. Unicorndogge
    Unicorndogge avatar
    140 posts
    15 November 2020 in reply to Tay100

    Hey tay

    i need help😭

    I don’t know what is wrong with me, I have stomach aches on and off 😭 and I still think I might be pregnant especially since I saw spotting. I think I might pass out I don’t think I can take this😭

  21. Nurse Jenn
    Health professional
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    Nurse Jenn avatar
    436 posts
    16 November 2020 in reply to Unicorndogge

    Hi there Unicorndogge,

    I came across your thread and the pain you're experiencing sounds really scary for you. I know you have seen a GP previously and had your urine and pregnancy test cleared but if the pain continues, you may want to revisit a GP and explain that you are still having pain and are feeling incredibly stressed and worried.

    Another option could be to contact HealthDirect where a nurse will go through your symptoms with you and offer you some advice on what to do.

    You can call HealthDirect and find their number here. There is also a symptom checker if you would prefer to this online. https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/

    Having stress and worry can often make even the slightest pain feel worse and sometimes worry can cause stomach pain in itself. Getting another health check is important to help relieve your worry and stress.

    If you feel comfortable, you might talk with your Nan about your ongoing stomach pain as well. When your having pain, using the support around you can help you get through this tough time. Having unknown pain can be scary and having someone to listen to you and often you care can make a big difference.

    Keep us posted on how you are going today.

    Sending you strength,

    Nurse Jenn

    1 person found this helpful
  22. Tay100
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    16 November 2020 in reply to Unicorndogge

    Hi Unicorndogge

    I'm sorry to hear that you were having a stressful time yesterday- how are you travelling?

    I highly recommend you check out Nurse Jenn's advice too- or even go direct to your GP. Get your Nan on board if you feel that it would help. Take it easy- drink water and rest up!

    Tay100

    1 person found this helpful
  23. Unicorndogge
    Unicorndogge avatar
    140 posts
    23 November 2020 in reply to Nurse Jenn

    Hey nurse jenn

    It ended up to be my period pains which i never get but as soon as i got my period no more pain which is pretty weird for me but its good i dont have to worry about that anymore on top of all the other things i have to worry about like getting a job and being able to drive well enough so i dont look like a complete failure when christmas comes.

  24. Unicorndogge
    Unicorndogge avatar
    140 posts
    23 November 2020 in reply to Tay100

    Hey tay

    Not good at all, i am back to where i started expect this time i am blocking out all the pain. I havent seen my only friend in like two weeks and he doesnt want to talk to anyone apparently. So maybe his not doing well or just doesnt like me anymore, i cant see what i have done wrong though. Maybe its because he doesnt want me getting so attached to him but he cant take all the things we have done together back, like why have sex with me then tell me you only like people who you have known long. I thought he liked me but nope he wanted to be my friend because he felt sorry for me. Now i am just a lonely piece of junk again. I havent been sleeping well either, i just cant get myself to stop tjinking about things.

  25. Missing user
    Missing user avatar
    23 November 2020 in reply to Unicorndogge

    Hey Unicorndogge, I hope I'm not intruding.

    It's so good to hear from you, I've been worried about you (don't feel bad, I'm just a caring person). I'm glad you're back.

    How have you been going?

    - Tayla

  26. therising
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    2177 posts
    24 November 2020 in reply to Unicorndogge

    Hi Unicorndogge

    I'm glad you got to the bottom of what was causing you so much pain (period pain). Wondering if anyone has given you any way to cope with the pain next time around.

    I'm so sorry to hear how poorly your friend is treating you. Sometimes people just don't know how to treat us thoughtfully. It can leave us feeling as though there's something wrong with us. In fact, we can be the same amazing person we've always been, it's them who has changed.

    Wondering how your pen pal's going. Have you been communicating with him much these days? If not, maybe it's time to get in touch with him and have a few wonderful conversations, such as wondering (together) about why life can feel like a challenge sometimes, what kind of movies you'd like to see come out at the cinemas, why is the sky blue, what gives flowers their perfume. There are so many things to wonder about, it's always great if you can find people who wonder as much as you.

    Don't feel too pressured to get your license. As I tell my 18 year old daughter, only get it if you feel there's a need to, otherwise keep traveling in the ways you're happy to. Also, it's expensive, running a car. Don't let anyone pressure you. You'll feel when the time is right for you to get it.

    It can definitely be stressful and/or deeply saddening when we're up in our head, doing nothing but thinking, 24/7. Can you think of any activities you can 'ground' yourself in? I find nature to be a great way of grounding myself. I can get out into nature and do nothing but have a pure sensory experience: Pay full attention to the sounds of the birds, feel the breeze and the way it touches my skin, take in the aroma of a variety of plants etc. I believe there are such things as nature groups, where people get together to share this kind of experience. If you have access to a reasonably good camera, this is a bonus (capturing the beauty around you).

    :)

  27. Unicorndogge
    Unicorndogge avatar
    140 posts
    24 November 2020 in reply to therising

    Hey therising

    I never get period pains but its probably got to do with having sex on my last period ( which was my first time, which does make me look bad i will admit )it must of delayed it a bit.

    I figured out today he blocked me so all this stuff he has said and done with me was a lie, in fact he basically used me so i was really angry at what he did i honestly felt like going over there and punching him. This keeps happening everytime, i doesnt matter who it is the result is always the same. I also feel like i have been stupid and reckless to believe all this the whole time.

    I have been talking to my penpal, more reccently to, in fact not long ago, i told him everything that has happened and he was really nice about it all he even told me that we could video call if i wanted to. I was scared about what he would think about me after telling him this but he really is a nice friend. Its been more then 6 months now and we are still talking to each other, i wish i could meet him one day and become real life friends, if only i could go to russia.

    I wouldnt say i am a “very grounded person.“ i am more of a daydreamer or thinker, maybe thats a good thing or maybe its a bad thing i dont know but i find that you can get the best ideas from just being in your own head as long as everything else is in the back of my mind but lately that hasnt been the case. I havent been drawing great because i just dont have the focus. My penpal is actually a good photographer maybe i will have to ask him about this sort of stuff

    Unicorndogge

  28. therising
    Valued Contributor
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    2177 posts
    25 November 2020 in reply to Unicorndogge

    Hi Unicorndogge

    Even though it was some decades ago, I can still remember how poorly my first intimate partner treated me. I really cared deeply about him and he never cared as much. He was actually quite horrible to me. I can relate to how heartbreaking this can feel. Their behaviour is a reflection on them while the lesson is ours to learn from. A tough lesson for sure. We still remain beautiful people in the process of learning, that's for sure.

    If daydreaming was a career, I'd get paid a fortune, so I know where you're coming from. I also get some of my best ideas through daydreaming. I find inspiration comes through far more easily when my mind is in this state. I would say it's like kind of like relaxing the brain enough to 'tune in' to a channel where things come though quite easily. You've actually reminded me, through speaking of daydreaming, how little I've been doing it lately. This probably explains why I've been feeling a little more stressed these days. I am grateful to you. Daydreaming is actually a fascinating study. Read an article about it not too long ago which was seriously interesting. It spoke of certain parts of the brain that light up in people while they're daydreaming in an MRI machine, parts of the brain that typically involve invention and revelation. The article also spoke of some of the greatest minds in history who were serious daydreamers. Such people changed the world in amazing ways.

    I'm glad you've stayed in touch with your pen pal. Having people in our life who can ground us out of self doubt an into recognising the best in our self is so incredibly important. Having someone to remind us that we are better than the poor behaviour we've faced from others is important. He sounds like a lovely guy.

    Again, don't doubt how beautiful and amazing you are based on someone else's poor behaviour. Imagine if everyone in the world was as beautiful and amazing as you, the world would be packed with beautiful amazing people, with great ideas and the ability to see the best in each other. Everyone would be kind and thoughtful. Imagine that.

    :)

  29. Unicorndogge
    Unicorndogge avatar
    140 posts
    28 November 2020 in reply to therising

    Hey therising

    I just feel stuck like nothing is ever going to change. For starters i was promised a job this month and that doesnt look like its going to happen. I am just angry on the inside I think because I have gone back to square one and it’s going to take ages to get myself back. I feel like what has happened was particularly my fault since I did encourage this sexual stuff although I had no idea that he actually wanted to go through with it. I let myself get away and now I have to find myself again but it seems impossible. I have No motivation at all ro do anything and i dont think that will change unless something gets better.

    If i didnt have my penpal, i wouldnt know what i’d do. So i thank him for all the support his shown me about this he really is a kind person, i want to meet him one day. Although he isnt a replacement for a real friend i guess his good enough for the time being.

    Also lately i have started drinking, this is out of character for me but i guess I am just bored and i dont know what to do with myself. To honest i have no clue anymore :(

     

  30. Missing user
    Missing user avatar
    28 November 2020 in reply to Unicorndogge
    Hi Unicorndogge, how are you going?

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