I woke up this morning feeling worse than normal about myself mentally and ended up taking the day of work which definitely sounds really sooky so maybe I should have just gone, IDK. I just feel like the absolute worst human and have for a while so I wanted some advice please.
I'm 21 and working a full time trainee ship at the moment and I just feel completely useless and like there's nothing i'm good at. Its like no matter how hard i'm trying, i'm always mediocre at best and always complete unforgettable as a person and it feels like it has always been that way. It kind of just feels like i'm an invisible person if that makes sense, i'm just a really boring person to the point that my best friend in high school told me she didn't like or enjoy hanging out with me.
I don't know what to do. I don't know how to be less useless and annoying all the time. Its like i can't hold a conversation with people and I feel like even though i'm trying hard to have a proper conversation some times I come off as rude like i'm trying to cut it short. When i'm in a conversation with more than 1 other person I can barely every get a word in and it's frustrating. In work meetings if I get asked a question my mind completely goes blank, my face goes bright red and I physically can't get any words to come out of my mouth.
I've really hated myself since i was 14, I talked to my friends about it for a bit but they said they were going to tell my parents about it so I told them I was feeling better and haven't talked to anyone about it since then.
I don't what to talk to my family about it and I lost contact with my friends. After I graduated high school my family moved 3 hours away, we've been here since 2017 and I haven't made any friends yet. I do think i'd like to make some friends here but I get so anxious and scared about talking to people and I can't help but overthink everything, it's all so exhausting I really wish I could sleep forever. I don't know what to do, I feel overwhelmed by everything and like I never make the right decisions.
I'm sorry if that was to many questions in one post, if anyone is able to decipher any of what I've written I would really love to receive some advice.