I’ve never had a place where I could talk completely openly and anonymously. I’m scared even now that people will work out who I am, I don’t open up to people usually and I like to keep my problems my problems. I don’t even talk about half of these things with my partner. I have tried but I don’t think he really understands as he is from what I would call a perfect childhood and family.
To be brief my early days growing up my dad was abusive and in and out of jail and my mum spent a lot of time in hospital with severe PTSD. We spent a lot of my childhood running from one womens asylum to another running away. I then (with my little brother) spent a lot of my childhood and teenage hood in and out of child and family services when dad decided he wanted to until he would go back to jail. Me and my little brother had severe separation anxiety when we were young as a result. Mum never really worked or couldn’t hold a job because of her PTSD so growing up we lived well below the poverty line. We relied on the Salvos to bring us food a lot of the time. Fast forward to early teenage hood and I was one of 2 girls chosen each year to attend a private girls school free of charge due to family circumstances. This was both a blessing and a curse. It was hard to fit in and I learnt there to pretend I was someone I was not. I saw the lives they lived and the families they came from and became so envious. I also however developed and was diagnosed with Trichotilimania, depression, anxiety disorder and Hyper Vigilance during this time.
As soon as I started working at age 14 and 9 months I had to help support my family and with whatever money I had left I would spend on clothes and anything that could make me fit in. This is where my money problems began. I never saved. All I wanted to do was fit in with everyone else. My mum didn’t even have a car so I disassociated myself with her and created myself a new identity with my friends and anyone I met.
Fast forward to today and I have put myself in so much debt. I don’t know how to overcome it. Sometimes I wonder why my boyfriend even loves me, he could do so much better. Im holding him back. He is perfect with money has had 3 houses by age 27 (he is older). I don’t know how to get myself out of it but most of all treat my spending addiction. I don’t ever talk about this out of fear of judgement. I recently got prescribed a benzodiazepine because my breathing is so out of control from anxiety due to this. I don’t know what to do.