I don't know where else to go, so I guess here will do.
I'm 16 years old, I have several offline and online tightly-knit friend groups, but I still feel lonely.
I dissociate regularly, and when I look in the mirror, I don't really know who I'm looking at sometimes.
I've never had a relationship in my life. I've only been game enough to ask someone out once (a couple years ago by now, and to one of my closer friends at the time), and I haven't spoken to them since. I used to think that a relationship would help the lonely feelings, but at this point I'm not so sure.
I'm absolutely terrible at opening up to people. My best friends always say that I can talk to them whenever I want, but when I actually feel like it, I don't want to bother them. It's taken me half an hour to write this post up to here, because I keep thinking that nobody wants to hear my random depressed ramblings. But that is what this site is for I guess, so whatever.
I've been to many different therapists, but I've never been able to open up to them, always defaulting to my 'person on the street' persona, which is just a very casual and cheerful version of myself, the version which anyone who (for example) asked me for directions on the street would get.
I repress a lot of negative emotions and memories into something I call 'the vault'. I picture the bad thing being locked into a big metal bank vault, and then forget about it as best as I can. I know this is bad, but I don't know what else to do with it.
My family isn't abusive, or split, or anything really. I had a very comfortable upbringing, I was generally towards the top of my class. Everyone seems to regard me as 'friendly', or 'chill'.
I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know what I want. I don't know what to do.
I don't know what I want to gain from this, but I really just want to let it out. Anywhere.
Thanks for reading.