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Topic: I played myself and might soon lose my best friend

2 posts, 0 answered
  1. Ray216
    Ray216 avatar
    12 posts
    21 January 2020

    If you read through with the following you might think I deserve this. I acknowledge I brought the following upon myself, but I still hope to find some advice here on what to do next.

    I (male, 21) only have 2 real friends (guy and girl), both met at uni. The girl (I'll call by her initial F here) I met 2018 at a low point in my life, and our friendship was awesome and really helped carry me through some tough times. It was not intentional at the beginning but halfway through last year I developed a crush on her.

    It didn't work out, and she told me she didn't like me. I nominally moved on, but didn't actually. Maybe it was my Asperger's derived anxiety, or maybe it was real, but afterwards it seemed F was growing distant.

    I started doing a lot of abnormally friendly things, like inviting her to lunch and paying for all of it, and frequently buying her gifts. There were 2 reasons, one because I panicked and was terrified to lose F as a friend, but secondly and worst of all, because I didn't really move on from my crush, and in my deluded state thought but doing good things for her I might turn things around.

    (It's worth mentioning she already has boyfriend so in hindsight my actions were EXTRA STUPID).

    My other friend (I'll call him R) warned me if I didn't actually move on from my crush, I won't be able to keep her as a friend. My mum even warned me of the same thing. I was stupid and didn't listen. I had a stupid plan made where if I keep being extra good to her not only will our friendship improve, but she might end up liking me.

    Needless to say my little "plan" backfired hard. F stopped hanging with me. She felt awkward with me paying for stuff etc. She told me she didn't feel I treated her like a friend, but rather like someone I'm in love with (which was true). I explained to her my paranoid driving the aforementioned behaviour, but I had to lie that I truly have moved on and have no romantic intentions.

    Now, I truly have no more romantic intentions. All I want to be able to do is keep her as my friend. But I don't even know if that is still possible. I'm in a state of panic because she hasn't replied to me asking whether we can continue to be friends, but she's seen the message.

    I should have listened to mum and R. Any idea what I can do now?

  2. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    8228 posts
    21 January 2020 in reply to Ray216

    Hi, welcome

    Yes, there is a number of things you can do.

    • acknowledge that you have a level of infatuation with F, that it is some level of obsession and that this is a real problem that needs to be tackled.
    • expand your friendship base- meet new people through sports or hobbies
    • accept that friends are a fluid thing, that they come and go throughout your life
    • allow time to heal no different than a married couple that split.
    • that you are you and others are them, that you should also accept that this experience and your not listening to your other friend and mum is also normal- for you. This doesnt mean you should punish yourself, we all go through similar mistakes and mistakes mean we are indeed human.
    • Love life, life will develop into a much more beautiful experience. These hiccups are part of that.

    Google

    Beyondblue topic the frog and the scorpion

    Beyondblue topic anxiety, how I eliminated it

    Reply anytime

    TonyWK

    1 person found this helpful

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