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Topic: My Anxiety is Killing My Motivation

3 posts, 0 answered
  1. Athena__
    Athena__ avatar
    0 posts
    11 July 2019

    I think that I have struggled with an incredibly mild form of anxiety for a large portion of my life, generally stemming from a fear of social interactions and persistent feelings of inadequacy. Thus far, my anxious tendencies have been quite manageable however as of the start of this year things are beginning to spiral beyond a point that I feel I can control. I have always been an academically inclined individual however I am a serial procrastinator, something that stems from my extreme perfectionism. I can't explain it clearly, but I believe my subconscious thought process is that 'if I don't try, then I can't fail'. I understand logically that this is flawed, but so far in my life I've never needed to control it. Through my fear of disappointing people, namely my family and teachers, I have always been able to scrape by, putting 100% effort in the night or even morning before and still achieving quite high grades. The problem is that as of this year not only am I a year 11 VCE student, I am currently studying a year 12 subject as well and this procrastination is no longer manageable. I am beginning to become apathetic to failure, pushing away school work to mindlessly scroll through my phone or watch something. I am not sure if this apathy stems from my knowledge that I can still achieve highly (which is incorrect, my grades are dropping in a number of classes), or if I've just become numb to failure. I have absolutely no motivation whatsoever and sometimes I lie down on my phone and I'm screaming at myself to get up and do something but my body feels trapped and my skin begins to feel all itchy. I want to be able to get my work done, and put effort in but school work makes me so anxious. I don't know how to become motivated. I'm seeing a psychologist at the moment (not for the first time, I've seen two other psychologists prior to her for other issues) and she's attempted CBT and Schema Therapy with me and although we've only had a couple sessions, I feel like everything is futile, that nothing is wrong with me and that I am simply lazy. I haven't responded well to any therapy (with her or the others) and I don't know if it's from a lack of effort or what. I just feel incredibly stuck.

    This is my first time posting and I don't really know what I wish to get from this but I feel like I need to get this all out and I find it easier to write than to speak. I hope I have articulated myself clearly enough and thank you for taking the time to read this.

    1 person found this helpful
  2. PamelaR
    Community Champion
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    PamelaR avatar
    204 posts
    11 July 2019 in reply to Athena__

    Hi Athena and warm welcome

    I found your post very articulate Athena. It's great you've found your way here and I'm really impressed at how reflective you are of yourself and what is happening. You have so much going for you.

    With all that of course comes the pressure I feel you're trying to get across. I'm in awe of you taking on a year 12 subject during year 11. During my life I've found that the more pressure I have the more difficult it is to function at times. Reducing the pressure, such as dropping a course has been the way I dealt with my conflict when studying and working full time. Of course doing this always made me feel like - I couldn't cope and wasn't good enough. How would you feel if you dropped the year 12 course?

    Serial procrastination is a way I cope with everything in my life. For instance when I work, I really work. It just my body, mind and soul needs loads of rest after I've extended myself. The exhaustion that comes from interaction with others, with using my brain is very strenuous. It needs time to recuperate. I guess what I'm trying to say is - you're not lazy at all. Those of us who put our all into everything we do, be it physical, mental or soulful have to re-energise our batteries. Can you relate to this at all?

    I'm really pleased you've posted here. How do you feel after you posted?

    Keep reaching out, if and when you want to Athena. No pressure.

    Kind regards

    PamelaR

    1 person found this helpful
  3. Athena__
    Athena__ avatar
    0 posts
    12 July 2019 in reply to PamelaR

    Hello PamelaR,

    Thank you so much for your response. I really appreciate you taking the time to read and respond to my post.

    As of this term I have dropped my physics class, which whilst being something I enjoyed, it was a class that put a huge amount of pressure on me. I completely understand what you're saying about feeling like a failure after giving up. It's a feeling that made dropping the class incredibly difficult. As for dropping my year 12 class it is no longer possible to make changes to our classes at my school. I do take solace in the fact that should I completely fail my year 12 course, I am able to repeat the class.

    I can definitely relate to the need to recuperate after interaction and mentally strenuous work. The problem for me at the moment is that I feel this exhaustion almost constantly despite doing nothing. I have incredibly low motivation to do anything even remotely related to school work and even relating to life in general - for example, I have no hobbies and spend all my time in my room, lying in bed on my phone. I feel that I have no purpose or reason to do anything, because what does it matter? I've worked hard and gotten good grades my whole life yet I have achieved nothing. I don't even know what I want to do with my life.

    I recently went away with a group of friends, and got a chance to truly re-charge my battery. I hoped that this would have a positive impact on my life but when I returned home I simply returned to my usual self-destructive behavior (not in the sense of physical self-harm, but rather putting off work to do nothing despite knowing it will lead to a break down later on). Do you have any tips for re-charging ones battery in a meaningful and lasting way?

    Thank you again for your response PamelaR. Being able to take the time to openly write about how I'm feeling and knowing that others care enough to respond and can relate to what I'm going through makes me feel as though the burden has been lifted slightly. I am very glad that I took the time to write on here.

    Sincerely,

    Athena.

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