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Topic: My weight stops me from being meim

19 posts, 0 answered
  1. justme45
    justme45 avatar
    0 posts
    10 February 2019

    I’m 24 and I’ve struggled for my entire life with my weight. It’s something that feels so out of my control I feel trapped in my own body. I’ve always hated the way I look no matter how hard I try to surround myself with body positivity, I can see it in others but have never been able to give myself the same allowance to look different. I’ve tried going to the gym 7 days a week, cutting one meal out a day, eating super healthy, nothing every changes my body.. I feel like it’s impossible to lose any weight at all. I have some of the most beautiful friends and I’m at an age where we go out and my friends meet boys and some are in serious relationships now, and those who aren’t almost always get attention when we go out. But never me. It’s piling up so much to be the one every single time who gets ignored. I do my make up, my hair, buy clothes for my body and still see the only solution to be lose 40kgs. I run through scenarios in my head where if I were given the option to give up 5 years of my life to be skinny, would I? The answer is always yes and this terrifies me. I feel like I’m destined to be overweight and alone forever and as someone with so much love for people this my biggest fear. I’m otherwise the life of every party, I feel like if I did ever talk to someone about this they wouldn’t believe me because i come off so happy and care free all the time. I have amazing friends and can logically assess my life and see how much amazing stuff I have around me.. but I genuinely feel like the way I feel about my body stops me from living the life I want to live and I feel trapped. My family aren’t overweight, I’ve had friends who could lose weight, why is it just me who is stuck like this? I’m logically minded and i know i should focus on al the good stuff in my life but I can’t. I’m finding myself leaving parties early or avoiding situations all together where i know I’ll be the only one going home alone.. which is scary because this is not me. Every time a guy does show interest, it’s one day and I never hear from him again. I just keep thinking when will it be my turn to be happy and have someone love me for me? Or when will I be able to find a way to love me?

    i just had to unload.. thank you to anyone who listened.. I hope your nights are better <3

    2 people found this helpful
  2. MsPurple
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    10 February 2019 in reply to justme45

    Hi justme45 and welcome to the forums :)

    I myself have struggled with body positivity as well. I know it is hard. I still struggle with it. It affected my eating as well as I wanted to lose some weight. Yes I have lost weight and put some back on. Even at my lowest weight I still wasn't completely happy with my body. I decided I needed to work on body positivity in myself. I couldn't do it myself. I decided to talk to my psychologist about it. I needed to work on a healthy relationship with my body, my nutrition, exercise and positive self talk. I still find it difficult. Have you ever seen a psychologist. It maybe beneficial. You can get a referral from your gp. Have you also talked to your GP about this? They can really help.

    I found when I tried to shift my focus away from body size, weight and instead focused on fitness and goals e.g. completing a triathlon or 10km fun run, I lost a little weight (not much), but I also become more happy with myself and my body. I focused more on the achievements I could do with it rather than its appearence. Yes I still have days where I am not happy with my weight. But with the help of my psychologist it is getting easier. I also found getting rid of my home scales really helped as I was having more bad days when I stood on it.

    I know the journey of weight loss, body positivity is hard. I think it would be good to talk it out. It is really helpful. I am here if you want to chat :)

  3. therising
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    11 February 2019 in reply to justme45

    Hi justme45, welcome!

    Sounds like you've tried so hard to lose the weight you've longed to lose and you definitely deserve super congratulations for your efforts. Not seeing results for such effort can definitely be disheartening.

    Wondering if you've considered speaking with your GP about a referral to a good dietician. Personally, I have access to a great dietician who I've seen a number of times, for a variety of reasons:

    • To help my 13yo son put on weight
    • To help my my dad put on weight
    • To help my mum establish a diet which would help reduce inflammation (she has arthritis)
    • To help me construct a good vegan diet, as I'm pretty new to the vegan scene. By the way, at 90 kilos I was dreading standing on those scales when I went in to see him. With help, I've actually managed to lose a few kilos since

    Every single time I've been to see this dietician, it's been a fantastic education in the way of how the body works and why it does what it does based on diet. It was through this amazing guy that I first heard the word 'ghrelin'. Ghrelin and leptin are interesting hormones and worth Googling when you get the chance.

    Regarding my son, first thing the dietician did was encourage me to get some blood tests done, to see if there were any underlying issues in regard to being underweight. We're now some months in and my son's put on about 5 kilos which has improved his self-esteem. He has copped a fair amount of bullying in the past regarding his build.

    Whether we're 'underweight' or 'overweight', scales have an impact on how we see our self and I'm not talking about those bathroom scales. Society has its own set of 'scales' which go toward measuring where we fit it. From the acceptable to the unacceptable and everywhere in between, we can face what feels like an existence of sliding up and down those terrible scales of judgement on a regular basis. In reality, the scales that matter most are the ones that relate to our health (mental, physical and spiritual). They become productive guidelines for assessing any issues that need addressing, in the way of our well-being.

    If you've been unable to reach the state of health you long for, give some thought to the GP/dietician angle (for blood work and diet). I imagine this may turn out to be an empowering experience for a number of reasons (education, goal setting, general dietary management etc). Such empowerment goes toward feeding not only body but also mind and soul.

    Take care justme45, you're beautiful!

  4. Bluebirdbrown
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    1 posts
    11 February 2019 in reply to MsPurple

    Hi justme45,

    i think it’s often ourselves critic that judges our body image.... but I can see that you have done a great deal of work to improve yourself. Please be gentle to yourself.

    Last week I read a motivational quote from Facebook, it says:-

    “you don’t have to be skinny to look sexy and beautiful. Your beauty is the size of your heart not the size of your jean’!

    As therising mentioned above, a GP or a dietitian can help with your underlying issues. I am in the middle of having an online course called mindspot well being course. The course is designed to teach you some coping skills to tackle our unhelpful thoughts / belief. It teaches me why we have unhelpful problem and the vicious cycle of those symptoms and behaviour etc. so far I found that it’s the most useful tool to me. I would say it’s even more useful than seeing a psych face to face as I found my psych isn’t very helpful. Even thought I say it’s online, you are assigned with a therapist who gives you supports and monitors your progress and that you can ask questions too. If you haven’t had any great resources on hand I would recommend you to go online and have a go. hope this is useful to you!

    Cheers,

  5. Happygoluckymiss
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    11 February 2019 in reply to justme45

    Hey JustMe

    i too have struggled with weight my whole life. I know what you are going through.

    i made the decision to go to a doc and get help with my weight and tackle it to manage it. My life was filled with very big stressors: unhappy marriage, work etc and the weight was another problem to manage. It was a vicious cycle. I had tried every weight loss diet, exercise etc and I could not move the weight.

    As females, we are expected to look a certain way and be a certain size as that’s what we’re conditioned to believe.

    In August 2016 I decided to go for weight loss surgery and since I have lost 60kgs etc - I eat well, exercise etc but I will let you know - it’s not easy and is only a tool to assist with weight loss. If I can draw a parallel it’s like using mindfulness or an Antidepressant to help manage mental health.

    I thought all ‘my problems’ would be fixed if I was thin. They did not get fixed overnight but the one good thing about what I did to help me, and this is only my opinion, is that the surgery allowed me to stop worrying about one less thing - my weight.

    This is not a path for everyone and it’s a big commitment. I used to think that if I’m ‘thin enough’ then all my problems will disappear- they don’t. But, I’m in a healthy BMI range for the first time ever in my life, I exercise regularly, I eat well (the surgery i had you must otherwise you become very sick with nausea etc) and I can now have one less thing to worry about.

    You will still be you, your personality and your wonderful spirit will still be there.

    You are not defined by your weight.

    I would encourage you to maybe speak to a doc and dietitian.

    Take care - happygoluckymiss

    1 person found this helpful
  6. Quercus
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    1 March 2019 in reply to justme45

    Hello JM45 (you are not "just you")...

    Thank you for speaking about this. So many people can relate to what you wrote. I can for sure.

    Weight is a constant sore spot for me too. I am 34 and although I am married with two kids now the same painful feelings are there. I am never good enough.

    MsP has a solid suggestion about considering physical activity for fun not weight loss. Growing up whenever I found a healthy activity I enjoyed everyone around me made it about weight loss and I would give it up. May I ask what do YOU enjoy that is physical?

    I have a crosstrainer and music and work gardening and cleaning. Work hard outdoors on our property. These things make me feel good. I enjoy them and I enjoy being outdoors and hard work.

    Sometimes it helps to aim for feeling good inside. Feeling strong.

    I also agree seeing a doctor is a good idea. But also a psychologist to learn ways to build your self esteem.

    I am overweight and will never be an attractive woman. But I am learning to work with what I've got. I like to care for my hair and skin and have been visiting op shops to find out what my style is. Just because I am overweight doesn't mean I don't deserve to feel good.

    Beauty fades. Even the most gorgeous one of your friends will age and change. There is more to all of us that our looks.

    Perhaps look into what IS special and unique about you and think about where you could meet people who value this. For example I love plants and gardens and my husband loves self sufficiency and off grid ideas. He sees my skills in the garden as attractive and interesting.

    You have beauty whether you believe it or not no matter what size. It is just a matter of finding it.

    There is an old thread here about body image which is worth reading. I will try find you the link.

    Nat

    1 person found this helpful
  7. grilledcheese
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    2 March 2019 in reply to Quercus
    Hey, I can definitely get behind the idea of getting fitter and increasing your strength! It has helped me a lot to just shift my focus like that. But, I'd also love to read more and see the post you mentioned Quercus so if you do manage to find it, let us know :)
  8. David Nobody
    David Nobody avatar
    9 posts
    2 March 2019

    Hi Just,

    Skinny does not equal beauty.

    Hi Nat,

    I am overweight and will never be an attractive woman.”... I bet you can’t get even one person to agree with yo on that point.

    1 person found this helpful
  9. Quercus
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    2 March 2019 in reply to justme45

    Hi everyone,

    I wonder JM how you are holding up? Have any of the posts helped ease your mind at all?

    Grilledcheese (great name!) the thread I mentioned is here...

    www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/healthy-body-image-tips

    And David thank you for the important reminder. I forget how negative I can be about myself. Another member told me once to count how many statements were negative and then reword them as a positive (WhiteRose is a smart woman).

    Nat

    1 person found this helpful
  10. quirkywords
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    3 March 2019 in reply to justme45

    Just me

    I have just noticed your thread which has many thoughtful and helpful replies.

    One thing I have learnt afre 50 plus years of struggling with body image is that it does not matter what your weight is , you can still have bodyimage issues. Even if you reach your ideal weight, maintaining it as I have found out can be very stressful, if you are only focused on your weight and not how healthy you are and a level of acceptance.

    David that was an important reminder to everyone, and Nat I say negative things which I think are funny about myself but others have said are negative.

    Quirky

    1 person found this helpful
  11. White Rose
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    3 March 2019 in reply to quirkywords

    Hello Everyone

    Just found this thread. My dark secret is how I have tried for years to lose weight. I hate flying because I have to ask for an extension seat belt and I cannot let down the tray flat in front of me to eat a meal. Lost count of the number of times my fellow travellers have offered the use of their trays. Embarrassing. Cannot look at myself in the mirror without feeling bad. I have also tried hard with few results.

    The only time I lost weight was when I became depressed and lived on one cheese sandwich a day for a long time. It worked and I was loving the new me but around that time my depression started to lift and I was back to the old me. I have friends who do not make a joke of my size and I love them for that.

    This all changed when I needed surgery on my hip and the surgeon told me it was due to being over weight. How embarrassing and humiliating. He referred me to a bariatric surgeon and I had surgery, I think similar to Happygoluckymiss. It's never too late for this but it is expensive. I was 74 when I had this surgery seven months ago. Since then I have lost 42kg. I bought my first set of SMALLER clothes a short while ago and I was so overjoyed to be able to wear them. I have been encouraged in this by my family and friends. In fact it was my daughters who came and discussed the whole process with me. I am so blessed to have these lovely people in my life.

    Yes there are difficulties at the start with learning to eat. Memory of delicious food led me to try and eat my usual diet which of course does not work. It is a huge learning curve and not to be taken lightly. But if you feel you desperately need to lose weight it's a good option to explore. I had to see a dietician and psychologist first. So lots of preparation and decision making processes because you cannot go back.

    May be worth checking out, but don't go ahead because you feel a failure. Look at it as a positive step to regain your health. I got rid of my type II diabetes and high blood pressure almost immediately. I also lost of a lot of my grocery bills. I am much healthier and have more energy. All good stuff.

    Hope these are some constructive suggestions. Love to know what you think.

    PS Many thanks for your compliment Natalie. Much appreciated.

    Mary

    1 person found this helpful
  12. bleubird
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    3 March 2019

    I just joined and have not yet posted or shared my story, but your post compels me to share, though I have no idea if you're reading the replies. Maybe it will help you or someone else who comes along? I hope so. It's a journey you don't have to do alone.

    I used to be 150kg, then through obsessive diet and exercise over 2-4 years, I got to 80kg. But despite that achievement and period of time, I could not think any better of myself. I would see my old self when I looked in the mirror, even though I was extremely active and enjoying it. I did not magically attract men that I fancied nor did my social skills and confidence improve. It took a lot of self analysis and getting out of my comfort zone to do that, and even then it didn't work out as I'd hoped. I am in a habit of choosing men who are emotionally unavailable, who do not have the energy to meet me as I would meet them. That's equally painful as feeling lonely, I can assure you.

    Things happened in life, I dated the wrong person, my father passed away, I started a job which threw my entire daily routine out and demanded all my energy, I dated someone else who was not good for me in the long term. It nearly broke me to leave him, but I did in the end for the sake of sanity. And slowly my weight has crept back up. I'm 130 now and can't begin to describe how much I hate it and the way I feel. All my former enthusiasm has gone. I went to a psychiatrist for what I thought was ADHD and she suggested depression and anxiety and a possible sleep disorder. It didn't occur to me because my previous depressive episodes have been quite different.

    Focusing on my weight is not helpful. Obsession only gave temporary results and drained me more than it gave. Focusing on what brings me joy is helpful however. I am teaching myself this, though it's a slow process. I have a kayak that I want to use if I can be brave enough to go alone, I am walking and swimming this month to raise money for cancer and youth mental health. When my foot recovers and I transition to my new and less-chaotic job, I will start trying to run again. I have a personal trainer who is a beautiful and inspiring person that I see once every week. I am really not trying to focus on my weight loss at all and if I am not changing physically, I feel the change within for sure.

    I still don't believe that I am lovable or that I will find a suitable partner, but I try not to trouble myself with that. Instead I am conquering from within, one step at a time.

    1 person found this helpful
  13. David Nobody
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    9 posts
    3 March 2019

    I think everyone in this conversation is gorgeous!

    Speaking the truth and meaning what you say. Looks have nothing to do with it, and I pity the people who are only attracted to “beautiful” people. Beauty fades, but who you are “inside” doesn’t change, at least it usually doesn’t change dramatically.

    I’m not anywhere near beautiful, I’m not happy with the way I look, but if someone can accept me as I am, then so can I.

    And most importantly, using punctuation is always helpful.

    3 people found this helpful
  14. grilledcheese
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    3 March 2019 in reply to David Nobody

    As I mentioned before David, some of the things you wrote in your post really seem to hit home for me and you'e done it again!! "I’m not anywhere near beautiful, I’m not happy with the way I look, but if someone can accept me as I am, then so can I."

    I really love that! I think I might make a slight modification (to keep myself thinking about the changes I'd like to make) so that it is "I may not be happy with the way I look yet, but if someone can accept me as I am, then so can I." and put it up on my wall!


    1 person found this helpful
  15. MsPurple
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    3 March 2019 in reply to grilledcheese

    Hi everyone. This has turned into a great converstation with support. it is awesome to see. I know a lot of us struggle with body image. I sure do still.

    Although I don't agree with this, I am glad that Quirky was brave enough to put a voice to our own evil voice and inner dark thoughts. "I’m not anywhere near beautiful, I’m not happy with the way I look, but if someone can accept me as I am, then so can I." I know if people heard how I sometimes talked about myself they would be shocked, but we forget everyone does this to a themselves to a certain extent.

    1 person found this helpful
  16. Quercus
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    4 March 2019 in reply to MsPurple

    Hi everyone,

    I'm not sure how I feel about the phrase "if someone can accept me how I am, then so can I".

    I feel like it makes me vulnerable. If they change their mind or can't accept me anymore what then?

    I suppose this says more about me disliking relying on people than anything else. People can always change unexpectedly.

  17. David Nobody
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    9 posts
    4 March 2019 in reply to Quercus

    Hi Quercus,

    I have often said I won’t start a relationship (or get a pet) because I know the relationship will end. And the pain in that ending outweighs and positive benefit throughout the relationship.

    But everyone keeps telling me that is extreme... I need to relax my requirements, of me and of others... this is a compromise. I move a bit, someone else moves a bit, and we meet somewhere near the middle.

    and as a side comment, people don’t change drastically... they go from scarlet to crimson, they don’t go from red to black.

    1 person found this helpful
  18. grilledcheese
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    15 March 2019 in reply to MsPurple
    I guess each of us finds power in different ways of thinking. I agree that I think the value you have for yourself should be purely because you love yourself and unrelated to the perceptions of others. I think the reason I find it meaningful is because it sounds so logical and rational to me. I know I have family who love me and friends who enjoy me the way I am so it makes me feel like there's no reason for me not to love/accept myself even if I don't love every single part individually yet - I feel like this is a progress statement rather than an ultimate goal. It's just a helpful, I'm not quite there yet but the people around me (who don't criticise me the way my 'inner voice' does) love me should why shouldn't I?
  19. MsPurple
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    15 March 2019 in reply to grilledcheese
    Like you grilledcheese I find it hard to sometimes no love myself completely especially knowing my family do. I love them unconditionally, why can't I do the same back to myself. I am doing more self care lately and working on my confidence. I think it is really good. I think if we all work on loving ourselves more it will become easier over time. Fake it till you make it.

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