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Topic: Never ending cycle

19 posts, 0 answered
  1. AliC.
    AliC. avatar
    27 posts
    22 September 2021

    Ok bit of backstory. 6 months ago my boyfriend of s year and a half broke up with me. The full reasons why elude me but I know I messed up somewhere and hurt him and his family. Prior to this he was my best friend and drying our period of dating his family became my family - I didn’t have a good relationship with mine at the time. And now 6 months on I still feel so awful about it and him. I want to reach out to his family and tell them I’m sorry. I want them in my life again but I can’t do that and I know it’s not healthy especially because my ex and I aren’t as close as we were

    My dad and my stepmum are also divorcing so that makes me feel super alone as well and my mum lives in a different city and I was really close to her but due to covid and me moving for University I haven’t gotten to see her a lot.

    i feel like I’m stuck in this constant rut of being alone and not having anyone. My friends are sick of hearings bout my heartbreak. I don’t want to talk to my parents about it and my counsellor has been fantastic but I don’t feel like I’m getting better.

    my anxiety and depression has always been in a massive cycle and this is the time that I would feel low and to add to that it’s my ex and Is anniversary next week which makes me feel way worse.

    i also constantly have troubles in my relationships and always seem to ruin them or make something go wrong and am looking at an ADHD diagnosis at 21 yo. However that’s also hard to admit as it could be a number of things such as BPD as well.

    I’m really just sick of feeling constantly hopeless and alone.

  2. geoff
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    geoff avatar
    15281 posts
    22 September 2021 in reply to AliC.

    Hello Alic, welcome to the site.

    When talking with our psych the relationship may be great, in other words, the two of you get on really well, which means you can be open, but this doesn't necessarily mean that all your concerns will be solved straight away, it takes time because being in a session is different than when you are out of it, you have to try and adjust your thinking and use the techniques mentioned and put them into reality, sometimes this isn't easy to do.

    As much as you like your partner's family, it may not be good to stay in communication with them, only because snippets of your partner may arise and keep you thinking about him and this may not be possible, so the family may not intentionally contact you for this reason, plus your partner may not allow it, unfortunately.

    To diagnose your condition a doctor should be the person to say what you are suffering from, and this is still possible during the lockdown, this can then help you understand why you feel like this.

    You can also contact Kids Helpline 1800 55 1800 by phone, webchat or online, as they help people 25 years old or under.

    Memories of past anniversaries can hold you from moving on, but at that time they were special, but now and unless you can take them favourably, they only hold you from moving on, I'm sorry.

    Best wishes.

    Geoff.

  3. AliC.
    AliC. avatar
    27 posts
    23 September 2021 in reply to geoff
    Thanks Geoff for the advice.
    just needed to vent I think.
  4. geoff
    Life Member
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    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    15281 posts
    23 September 2021 in reply to AliC.

    Hello AliC, please don't be afraid to ask any questions at all, we are only here to help you.

    Take care.

    Geoff.

  5. Isabella_
    Community Champion
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    Isabella_ avatar
    119 posts
    25 September 2021 in reply to AliC.

    Hi AliC,

    Thank you for sharing with us.

    How do you feel about being honest about this with your counsellor? Have you told her that you don't feel as thought you're feeling better?

    It can feel daunting to be honest with your therapist like that, but I think it's really important. Her job is to support you in the best way possible and she will really value your opinion on how you think therapy is going.

    It seems you're carrying a lot of weight in your life at the moment, I'm sorry to hear that you've been feeling lonely. Dealing with anxiety and depression without a solid support system is never easy. I can imagine that dealing with the divorce of your parents has made you miss the closeness that you felt with your ex's family. I hope you can consider the forums a safe space for you to vent when you feel things getting tough. We will all listen here judgement free and with open arms.

    You mentioned that you know it's unhealthy to want his family in your life again, and that relationship had seemingly ended on bad terms.. How would you feel about contacting your ex to reconcile how the relationship ended? Do you believe you need that sense of closure? Do you feel any guilt or regret about your relationship with his family that you think is worth fixing?

    Why don't you want to confront your parents about how you've been feeling?

  6. Mk2692
    Community Champion
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    97 posts
    26 September 2021 in reply to AliC.

    Hi AliC.,

    Thanks for reaching out here and i'm sorry you're going through such a hard time. Breakups can be tough, especially if you were close to the person's family. I know you might feel guilty for how things turned out, but things happened the way they happened and you did the best you could. It may not be a good idea to reach out to the family, this will only hurt you more. You might not get the response you are looking for, instead focus on yourself and your healing. Talking to a psychologist will definitely help, but it does take time and patience. After a break up it can feel like you are lonely, so surround yourself with people that love you. It is great that you have friends around you, maybe try to go out for walks and catch up with them if you can. Reach out to your father and if you are close to your step mom, then ask her if she would like the relationship to continue, even after the divorce. I know it seems hard at the moment, but things will get better with time. Hope this helps.

  7. AliC.
    AliC. avatar
    27 posts
    28 September 2021 in reply to Isabella_

    Hi Isabella.

    thanks for the response. I don’t want to admit I’m failing to anyone especially my parents. Every time I have tried to talk to them they try to fix it and it ends up making me feel worse. And my counsellor is great but I look up to her and all the work we’ve done that I don’t want it to be about my ex again after all the work I put into trying to move past it

    im still friends with my ex but we don’t talk about the relationship because as both he and my friends say “it doesn’t help anyone” and it’s just reliving the past rather than moving on. I definitely need that closure from him and from his family but I’ve accepted that I don’t think I will get it without causing more issues.

    i really miss the support system I had and lately it’s felt like it’s shrinking and shrinking and that my friends are also beginning to hate me and exclude me (that I have proof of the exclusion but no reason behind it other than my mental health)

    another reason I don’t want to confront my parents about it is because they are dealing with their own issues and I don’t want to burden them more.

  8. AliC.
    AliC. avatar
    27 posts
    28 September 2021 in reply to Mk2692

    Hi Mk2692

    being in isolation is hard because it has meant a lot of my friends have headed home from uni and my friends back home don’t seem to want anything to do with me.

    im in regular contact with my father and biological mother but my stepmum isn’t in contact nor do I want to be in contact due to the way she has treated myself previously and my dad in the present. My dad is also responsible for that treatment previously but he and I are working through that and are healing. Aside from that I have my flatmates and a handful of people here at uni but not the same level of support.

  9. therising
    Valued Contributor
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    therising avatar
    2177 posts
    28 September 2021 in reply to AliC.

    Hi AliC

    I feel for you so deeply as you find yourself desperate to make better sense of everything.

    From what you write, you have a lot to make sense of. It must feel overwhelming. Personally, when I hear people say 'You just gotta get on with things' it does tend to trigger me a little. While this statement offers no management plan, making better sense of things is a solid plan.

    You sound like such a feeler. I imagine you feel the highs, the lows and your connections to people rather easily and intensely at times, based on what you say. It's tough being such a feeler, being so sensitive to feeling so much. It's like you can feel your way into a relationship, feel your way through it (or not at times, with some confusion thrown into the mix) but feeling our way out of a close relationship can seem impossible. It can be like 'I had this connection or this channel that so much joy and happiness ran through. How do I manage that channel now? How do I adjust it, gradually tune out of it or shut it off completely, if that's what I need to do? How do I create or switch onto a new one, that involves a completely different interest and set of feelings?' Maybe self development could be a new channel worth creating.

    Through a new channel, of self development for example, it has to be 2 way in order to be productive. While putting questions out, there has to be constructive answers or revelations coming back, otherwise it can just feel depressing to some degree. This is what I've found when it comes to my own development. Questioning the info that comes back is also important. For example, you could be diagnosed as having ADHD and BPD and be put on medication that really does help manage things yet the question remains 'How does the medication help me make sense of who I naturally am? Am I someone who's perhaps always had this incredible amount of energy, yet the people around me have always pushed me to suppress it or they've simply not led me to channel it into the right things? Does this type of neglect or misdirection depress me at times? Does no one's desire to better understand me or help me better understand myself really get to me in a number of ways? Am I actually sensitive enough to be able to feel when people are swinging me from a high to a low? Can I feel people swinging me from a low to a high? As a highly energetic person, are the lows actually 'recharging' periods, where I can feel myself running on empty?'

    So many questions on such a quest :)

    1 person found this helpful
  10. AliC.
    AliC. avatar
    27 posts
    28 September 2021 in reply to therising

    Hi therising.

    first off thank you for your words and support I really needed it. The thing I’m unsure of is how to stay on top of my self development. I can never seem to stay motivated to try and improve myself with regards to creating a new channel or changing that connections I have. It’s something my therapist and I are constantly working on but I don’t seem to be able to stick to it. Any advice

  11. therising
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    therising avatar
    2177 posts
    29 September 2021 in reply to AliC.

    Hi AliC

    I hear you. I've lost track of the number of times I've asked 'What's wrong with me, why can't I stick to anything?'. I do have a bit of a rep for this.

    Read a brilliant book called 'Insanely Gifted - Turn Your Demons Into Creative Rocket Fuel', by Jamie Catto. Catto talks about many of the different aspects of self. I think staying motivated or even becoming motivated depends a lot on which sense of self we're dealing with. While my highly enthusiastic sense of self (who can be a real visionary) and my logical sense of self can start a project, it's not long before my deluded sense of self chimes in. For example, I really need to lose weight and improve my fitness levels. Currently at 90 kilos, I managed to get down to 70 kilos a handful of years back but just can't seem to do it this time. I barely get started (on returning to greater health) when my deluded sense of self starts up. In summary, 'Don't be so hard on yourself. Have some chocolate. You know it makes you feel good. It's your 'go to' for happiness. You want to be happy don't you? We'll start the fitness journey tomorrow'. And there I am, happy, or so I believe until I finish what I'm eating. Cue the enthusiastic sense of self (all sad) and the logical sense of self, 'Well, you've done it again. You're never going to achieve anything at this rate', which is true but kinda depressing at the same time.

    I do realise I sound a little like an insane woman, all these voices in my head, but we've all got 'em up there rambling in some way, depending on the circumstances. Whether it's the sage, the victim, the child in us, the perfectionist etc, the challenge is to identify 'who's leading the way'. The delusional emotional eater in me has been largely my 'go to' aspect of self while Melbourne lockdowns have been in play. While having to suppress the adventurer, the restaurant goer, the social self, the seeker of excitement etc, the emotional eater in me has had a field day.

    Perhaps the lover in you wants to feel love and express love. Self love's a tough one. Kinda crazy and a little sad when you think about it - it's not often a kid is raised to know how to love themself constructively. As adults, we can't exercise what we haven't been taught. Learning and then practicing the art of self love is key to unlocking more productive aspects of self.

    Today, I'll love myself by getting on the treadmill after strategically planning what I'll eat. How about you? How will you love your self today?

    1 person found this helpful
  12. AliC.
    AliC. avatar
    27 posts
    9 October 2021 in reply to AliC.

    Follow up.

    so my friends all dumped me last week because I made that uncomfortable for talking about my MH all the time as well as discussing how I was feeling excluded from things recently after they had been distant. We all had a massive falling out and I basically threw in the towel after two of them took all this up with me in a group chat with just the three of us. I felt hanged up on and hurt so I just left.

    now I feel so isolated and lonely. I’ve hung around other friends I know from uni and been trying to move past it but these friends were really important in my life and I hate that I’ve lost them and I know I am partly/ mostly to blame. My other friends don’t know me as well and I don’t know whether I’m at a stage with them where I can be vunerable. I can’t sleep and I just feel so lost.

    I had such a great fun time since my last post and then this all went to shit a week and a half ago and it has slowly sent me spirally back into a sad extremely depressed mood

    1 person found this helpful
  13. AliC.
    AliC. avatar
    27 posts
    10 October 2021 in reply to AliC.

    Oh and they kicked me out of the group chat today. So great times for my self esteem

  14. therising
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    therising avatar
    2177 posts
    22 October 2021 in reply to AliC.

    Hi AliC

    Just checking in to see how you are. Hoping things are on the improve and you're making progress with your counselor.

    :)

  15. chadicha
    Community Champion
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    chadicha avatar
    44 posts
    22 October 2021

    Hey AliC, at the end of last year I went through a heart-wrenching time during my break-up. very similar to whats happened to you, I messed up, hurt him and the family (definitely not my intention, I didn't think he cared), but it turned into something really big and it left me so shaken, emotionally unstable for many many months after as I felt so much inner-conflicts about the whole situation. It took a big piece of me, I fell into this hole of self-loathing, and thought everyones gonna hate me. I did the same thing you felt too; months later I felt an urge to reach out and say sorry so I did I even sent flowers, and just doing this helped me to forgive myself inside. yes I had issues I had to sort through and heal after maybe just like you do too, but please please understand it is not all you! Your not all to blame, and I fully blamed myself for things which only slowed my healing. Sometimes there is a reason your not with this person, or they may bring out a part of you that isn't the best for either of you which doesn't mean you love or care for them any less but maybe right now is just not the time and that was such a hard pill for me to swallow. Being separated was hard, but it allowed me to really heal and learn to sit with myself more. maybe this break-up is actually a blessing in disguise to learn to be okay with not having someone.

    As with your friends, they aren't real friends if they do that to you. I also had this happen to me, "friends" leave me because they just don't like 'bad vibes', but trust me real true friends will sit by your side as your low and be there for you through hard times. I get it may be overwhelming for them to constantly hear you talk about it, but real friends won't abandon you so hurtfully. so don't feel too bad about them leaving you -if anything its making room for more developed, authentic, loving friends in your life which you deserve. This is also probably another blessing in disguise- you see their true colours, but it hurts nonetheless.

    Please know there is nothing wrong with you! You are loved, and will be loved by the right people in the future, but a lonely season in life does not define you at all, because it is only a season. Your mental health matters! And you shouldn't feel like you can't open up or be accepted by your friends just for talking about it. Your going to have the most loving, genuine people come into your life and one day you'll look back and be so grateful those old ones are gone.

  16. AliC.
    AliC. avatar
    27 posts
    24 October 2021 in reply to chadicha

    On this Saturday night at 1 in the morning when all my flatmates are out partying your words helped me thank you.

    At the moment I feel like things are too tense for me to even try to reach out to my ex and I’ve decided to just leave it be. I’ve done what I can. same with my friends I’m just tired of being in the wrong and not knowing how to properly fix it so I’d rather just wait and give myself more time

    I’ve tried to find other people I can be around to support me and I’ve been a lot more cautious about what I say and do just in case I do say something. I also saw a psychologist a few weeks ago and did an adhd and mental health assessment to see if I can get a better diagnosis and understanding of why I seem to have ongoing social and mental health issues. Whilst that was a big financial hit I’m hoping in the long run it will be worth it to start treating my health properly. And it might come back as nothing and all in my head but at least I’ll know and I’ll be able to find proper treatment regardless

    i haven’t been able to get into my counsellor for a while because she had some health problems and had to postpone our last appointment but I’ll hopefully catch up soon.

    tonight I’m sad but hopefully this week will be better

    1 person found this helpful
  17. Isabella_
    Community Champion
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    Isabella_ avatar
    119 posts
    29 October 2021 in reply to AliC.

    Hey there,

    I'm really happy to hear that you've made the steps to see a psychologist. Taking care of yourself is the most important thing.

    I think you're coming to a really important realisation within yourself. In dealing with your own mental health struggles and heartbreak, you're also bearing all of the responsibility for your relationships not working out and the conflict with your friends. I hope with time, you come to realise that you're not in the space to make amends, or maybe do the work to understand where you've been in the wrong, and that's completely okay.

    People come in and out of your life for so many reasons, it can be a case of "right people, wrong time", vice versa. Look out for yourself by realising you don't deserve friends who intentionally exclude you, and make you feel like it's your fault. You deserve a solid support system that is empathetic, compassionate, understanding, and most importantly mature enough not to hurt your feelings and play mind games. Right now, yourself and your wellbeing should be the most important priority.

    It's really great that you've come to terms with leaving things be and not trying to fix everything. You will eventually get there with time when you're in a better place. Be patient with yourself, and try your best to eliminate as much pressure as you can.

    I hope you're taking care of yourself <3

    1 person found this helpful
  18. chadicha
    Community Champion
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    44 posts
    5 November 2021 in reply to AliC.
    I am so inspired by your tenacity and enduring strength in this difficult chapter. Isabella's advice rings very true, you'll find these 'friends' are not worth your tears. You deserve to be showered in unwavering love, attention and true companionship, and it will find you. I believe in you, please keep the faith.
    1 person found this helpful
  19. AliC.
    AliC. avatar
    27 posts
    6 November 2021
    Now I’ve just got to find new friends I guess. I’m still jealous when I see them on social media but hey that’s life I guess. I’m working through it all and I’m trying to be happy where I am
    2 people found this helpful

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