I'm turning 21 and finding myself out of room to escape from my anxiety & depression.
Here's the breakdown:
I've always had both depression and anxiety, since the age of 6-7 from memory. However, probably due to my grandfather's love for fishing, I've learned over the years that thrilling outdoors activities forces me to take my mind off these negative thoughts, and "live in the moment", in these good times, I feel truly close to those around me and negative thoughts rarely come up.
However, like how there are no never-ending banquets, these activities become "normal" and lose their thrill, and I come back to the starting point, and the few friends I've been able to make, as well as my family, feel like they are way too distant to grasp, like how water slips through my fingers when I try to grasp it. (To be honest, it's also probably due to my anxiety/fear of been seen as someone who is depressed and 'need help', thus over the years, I've worked very hard to build a facade that I'm a healthy, positive, optimistic and adventurous.)
And now, I have found myself at a crossroad.
In order to keep things exciting and keep my depression away, I've been progressing up the outdoor/extreme sports ladder. it all started with fishing, then camping, afterwards, there's downhill mountain biking, 4wd, freediving/spearfishing/scuba-diving. HOWEVER....These are also quickly becoming unable to keep my depression away, YET... I can no longer afford to tap into new activities. Thus, why I believe I have come to a stop in my escape.
Recently, I've been thinking of new ways to fight my problems. 1st(&worst): Alcohol/Drug, I don't drink, nor do drugs, for the reason that I fear I would develop a dependence on it, thus not a viable option. 2nd: Find a girlfriend to take my attention off....but my anxiety is like a leg iron...thus, I haven't dared to seek a girlfriend even in the good times, let alone now. 3rd: seek professional help.... nope, anxiety. 4th (&probably last): antidepressant medication????
I have a growing suspicion that medication would be my last and final resort... Does anyone have any experience like mine? any recommendations?
Many thanks for reading my rant on myself. this is the first time that I have ever spoken out, I think it makes me feel a bit better.