Good Morning Bee1998
I am so pleased that you have come to express how you are feeling on such a frustrating topic. I am so sorry to read that you have had to experience sexual abuse and it breaks my heart.
I am almost 45 and I am struggling with ALL of these things too, the pressure of appearance, the fillers the botox, the wanting to change one's looks to fit in with what everyone else it doing, as you said "trying to look like a Kardashian". So as a young person with society behaving like this I am not sure how you are expected to value and love yourself when the world is full of people making such drastic and sometimes horrific changes.
I could not agree with you more in your feeling of hopelessness and lack of trust in relationships as I struggle with this very thing, with access to online dating, internet availability to view porn and make sex and sexual interactions so much more accessible and this is really terrifying in my opinion. I see too what you are saying about "“If I wanted to be with someone like that, I would.” But how is looking another female up , not wanting that?... however there does come a time when we do actually have to find some trust, as if we allow these thoughts and feelings to take over we will infact be sabotaging any hope of a safe and trustworthy relationship before it has even had a chance. You have been cheated on in relationships and that is just down right lousy and there is no excuse for it really, I am of the premise if you are not happy then leave, that is fine as we are all human and sometimes relationships don't work,but have the decency to leave first.
I have found having this very raw and upfront conversation at the start and laying all my cards on the table and communicating to the other person that I do feel this way and that I do have issues with trust and that I hope they can understand that their trust must be earnt, and they can do this by their behaviour. If they see me as weird or that by me saying these things freaks them out then guess what..see you later and you were not for me. It is tricky to find the balance between getting to know someone and gaining trust and also being vulnerable too and open to meeting and having relationships with people, and for young people who are trying to find their way in the world even more so.
From one woman to another ..you keep having your standards, you keep being you, you are beautiful Bee1998.