Welcome to the forums and thank you for being here and sharing your story.
I don't think that you are dumb at all - quite the opposite. I feel really sad for you in thinking what it might have been like to have to make that decision and how hard it must have been. Especially twice.
While this is my own personal belief, I don't think the world conspires and punishes people. I think it can be really unfair sometimes, but to me it's never a reflection on yourself and the decisions you've made. I truly believe that there is every chance you could have a baby again when it feels like the right time for you.
What sort of support do you have around you? Is there anyone that you've been able to confide in and lean on?
I hope that this helps in some way. At the very least I want you to know that we hear you and we are here for you.