"Nat takes far too long"
That was the very words my student report said three years in a row, all written by different teachers.
My habit of taking far too long in completing activities was apparent in primary school. I would be so absorbed in the moment I would simply forget about time. My mother was genuinely concerned how these exact words would appear in my report every year, but I simply brushed it off. Fast forward to now at age 24 and completing my last year of studying, I'm really starting to see the problem escalating over the years.
I took an interest in graphic design and studied it in TAFE while working. I loved them both, but at the same time I was very scared and conscious of my peers judging my every move. My workflow for both slowed down and soon enough, I was hit yet again with those very words by both my teacher and boss - "you take far too long".
I broke down, skipped a lot of classes and ended up paying the hefty price of finishing 8 overdue assignments in a week.
After taking a year break, I quit my job and continued my studies in University, hoping I would toughen up with the more academically strict deadlines. The problem in fact reached its peak.
Every time I started an assignment, those "too late" words would echo in my head and I would start questioning my every move. "Is this the most efficient way? Am I taking too long? How long should I be taking to finish this? Does other people take this long?". Studying a design course that encourages experimentation meant there was no definite rules to anything. I left my assignments to the last minute a lot, not wanting to face my emotions of doubt and fear, and skipped classes too to avoid the critical feedback sessions. I made myself feel worse by handing a lot of overdue assignments, creating an endless cycle of guilt and disappointment.
Now I'm in my last year and I am still struggling with my subjects, finishing an overdue assignment while trying to survive my internship.
I really do enjoy my studies and would love to make it as my dream job, but seeing how slow and sensitive I am, I'm questioning if I am suited for this creative field.
I want to change.
I don't want to be the "too late" girl anymore. I've attempted multiple times to manage my time effectively, but I keep failing from feeling overwhelmed by negative emotions.
Someone please advise me how to get out of this vicious cycle. Anything on time management, dealing with fears of peers, failure, doubt and judgement.