On 3/2, I begin 10th grade, but I've been completely pessimistic about it.
For one thing, I'm 100% not looking forward to seeing the people there. Most of this hate directs toward my class which is the same for the past few years. To be blunt, I hate them. My friends belong to the class, and they're some of the worst people I know. I don't want to go through another year with them, PLUS the rest of my shitty class. They really messed me up last year, and seeing those same shitty groups of people fills me with dread. I did not finish year 9 happily and resolve anything. They simply are jerks and they will fuck me up this year just like before. I don't want 200 more days of constant loneliness even when I'm with them. I have no clue how to face them, and none of this will change. Simply put, they ignore me, shun me, never are genuine friends at all, and I don't fit in at all.
The more important thing is that my academic performance has been shit for a while, and after last year's insanely long lockdown, my grades have tanked. I've been even more worried and I have absolutely no confidence on my abilities. I struggle to improve. VCE is worrying me. The past years, I've been declining. I don't know how to manage my time, or manage myself. My family isn't any help, since they just seem to pressure me more. I've been procastinating like crazy, and my motivation and work ethics are gone.
The worst of it all is that it's 10th grade already. The past years felt like it went by too fast. I'm anxious about the future, and the structure of the later years of school. I'm nervous on how VCE will go, the increased independence, the constant work, and exams. It doesn't help that exams have been cancelled for me ever since Covid. I'm not sure how to describe it, but the fact that I'm growing up make me feel awful. Soon, I have to stress about more important things and take up new responsibilities, and I don't feel ready for it at all. I miss how simple things were for me, even though I hated things then anyway.