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Topic: things have become overwhelming and it is a struggle to find peace of mind and find my place in life

  1. Daniel1996
    Daniel1996 avatar
    15 posts
    15 October 2021

    Hello to anyone who reads this I am Daniel,

    I am 25 years old, single, work as a civil engineer, I am an active person. I have been feeling more and more overwhelmed with where my life is at and feel hopeless more and more.

    A trigger for this is feeling very alone even though I have a close family it is more in a social sense. I have a small network of friends and have tried my best to get out there and date but cannot seem to get anywhere past a second date with anyone and this is a trigger for the way I get down on myself and go into overdrive. It has started to become very overwhelming experienced and I am very flat and lacking in energy when usually I can muster up the energy to be a more jovial type, it has worn me down.

    My mind races about a lot of stupid things that I know in my head are silly but I cannot find a way to stop it and then I get down/angry at myself for being like this and it spirals from there. For example in a dating sense it might be if a girl all of sudden stops contacting me out of nowhere after a couple dates I immediately hypothesise the reasons behind this and what I did wrong, how I came across, does she think I'm weird, why does this happen to me everytime I meet someone etc. I am more a laid-back character, no fuss type and it makes me feel maybe I am not loud and out there enough for people.

    Another example is I begin to think because I come across relatively normal on social media and I only really have a small network of friends (like 2-3 very good friends and the rest are acquaintances from sporting clubs etc) that it makes me look undesirable, unpopular and uninteresting. I know I should not worry about what others think and particularly about things like that but it just finds a way to invade my headspace and I struggle to cope with it. When my head is constantly ticking over with thoughts like this I get exhausted and again angry at myself for not just being normal and relaxing in the moment, the enjoyment of my life has rapidly been fading. I feel worn down with the pressures of finding a partner who likes me for who I am and ending this feeling of being alone

    I guess I feel lost in who I am, confused in how to act and frustrated that I cannot find a way to just relax and be myself and not stress over things like social media perception, dating experiences that don't work and how many friends I do or don't have for example.

    Apologies for the confusing post, probably a representation of how my mind races

    Daniel

  2. Petal22
    Community Champion
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    Petal22 avatar
    1311 posts
    15 October 2021 in reply to Daniel1996

    Hi Daniel1996,

    Wellcome to our forums!

    Im sorry you are feeling this way.

    Im sorry you are feeling alone I understand this would be difficult for you.

    I understand the dating side of things can be frustrating, please tell yourself good things about yourself… the people you have dated just may not have been the one for you and that’s ok eventually you will meet the right person.

    I understand how it feels to have a racing mind I experienced this with severe anxiety I’ve now recovered.

    Have you thought about seeing your gp and discussing how you have been feeling? You could do a mental health plan together this will enable you to see a psychologist.

  3. Sophie_M
    Sophie_M avatar
    5893 posts
    15 October 2021 in reply to Daniel1996
    Hi Daniel1996,

    Welcome to the forums and thank you for sharing your story with us here.

    We are sorry to hear that you have been feeling more and more overwhelmed and hopeless. It sounds like things have been really tough lately, especially feeling so lost in who you are and questioning so much about yourself. It is no wonder you feel exhausted. It takes a lot of courage to reach out to our online community and we’re really glad that you have. We also want to remind you that all life is important, including yours and that you have significant strength and deserve to live a happy life.

    We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you and we trust that our online members will stop by to provide some support. 

    If you would like to talk to someone, the Beyond Blue Support Service is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

    Please feel free to keep reaching out here on your thread whenever you feel up to it.
  4. Mishmo
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Mishmo avatar
    50 posts
    15 October 2021 in reply to Daniel1996
    Hi Daniel, Wow this really touched my heart. I feel your pain completely. I suffer the same. Same angers towards myself. Same fears of judgement cause I am not like others in the "social" scene so to speak. I have even gave up on social media for a while to try stop the feelings and thought I am having of myself of not being or feeling adequate enough, or judgement of others saying why don't I have more friends etc. I too ramble away in my thoughts and maybe over share at times too and then stress I have ruined whatever could have been. But like seriously, its annoying and I just want it to stop. I am happy in myself and for who I am even if thay doesnt suit others judgements. But i understand the wanting to be wanted and cared for, for who you truly are and without judgement and with reassurance that who you are is okay and accepted by them/someone. Ok now I am over thinking that I am speaking to much and like serious why would anyone care anyways, just stop talking.... it is frustrating to say the least. But reading what you wrote made me feel like, wow, u wud truly understand these feelings i am having also. And wanted to let you know you are not alone. Ok i will be quiet now. Slowly backing away back into the shadows.
  5. Daniel1996
    Daniel1996 avatar
    15 posts
    16 October 2021 in reply to Petal22

    Hi Petal22

    Thanks for replying to my post

    I have discussed this with my gp previously and sought counselling but

  6. Daniel1996
    Daniel1996 avatar
    15 posts
    16 October 2021 in reply to Petal22

    Hi Petal22

    Thanks for replying to my post

    I have discussed with with the gp and have sought counselling but I feel like a lot of the things I worry about or overthink would often be seen as trivial so I am embarrassed to discuss further. It's just the way my brain seems to function and it's a bit like a tennis match going on in my head where I have a certain thought and then get angry and down on myself for thinking this and not being able to relax.

    In a dating sense it seems I have an inability to really keep anyone interested for longer than 2 dates and it has started to wear me down. I now go into these situations not looking forward to meeting someone but I find myself telling myself on the way to a date for example "what is the point of this".

    I get disappointed in myself that if things don't work out or a girl seems to just disappear on me with no word of warning I don't just let it go and relax but instead blame myself, question what I am doing wrong etc. To a degree I think self analysis is good but I think I do this to a harmful extent. I am a pretty laid-back character when I am relaxed and I have been brought up to be respectful and the like but the more social rejection I face the more I question that I need to change and try to be more like people around me.

    The social media comparisons I know within my head is irrational but I can't seem to stop this or have a way of thinking about it that helps me relax. Another thought that plagues me is the "number" of friends I have and whether I do not have enough and whether this makes me look a certain way.

    As I have mentioned this is a suffocating feeling and way of living I am stuck in and each day is getting harder and harder to even want to get out of bed as I know once I start the day the cycle begins where I can't turn off my thoughts and enjoy my life.

  7. yggdrasil
    yggdrasil avatar
    70 posts
    16 October 2021

    Hi Daniel,

    I really understand where you're coming from. I'm 32 doing a PhD in science. My undergrad/honours was in mathematics, so we likely have similar training and mental instincts.

    The first thing I want to say is that I really relate to how you've described your mind working, and the intense "tennis matches" that occur. It's like your mind escalates in intensity, endlessly fighting over some issue that just has no resolution. The thing that I think helped me the most with this is something called "Schema Therapy" (https://positivepsychology.com/schema-therapy-worksheets/).

    Have you heard of "cognitive behavioural therapy" (CBT)? CBT basically involves setting aside time to critically analyse the thoughts associated with negative feelings, as they occur. The problem with this for very rational people is that we usually know the negative thought we're having, or the energy we're investing in it, is irrational.

    In schema therapy, the basic assumption is that some deep rooted emotional habit or instinct, that probably has had a useful function in the past or in certain contexts, keeps spitting out this negative content into your brain, even though you know it's irrational or unwanted in this new situation or context. The task is then to try and understand these habits or instincts, so that you can recognise the state you get into when they're present, and short circuit them before they get out of control.

    The link I gave above (https://positivepsychology.com/schema-therapy-worksheets/) has a bunch of useful content and worksheets. While there are schema therapy psychologists around, I already had a psych I liked who didn't know much about schema therapy, so I just worked through the worksheets myself and discussed some of the general themes with her. The advantage of doing it this way is that you can treat the worksheets etc as completely private, and hence be as strange or trivial as you need to be in what you right down.

    There's heaps of other things that have also helped, but a general theme is recognising when you're entering an unhelpful "compulsive self argument" mindset, and gradually building up the discipline to step away from it when necessary. For people who do very analytic work this is challenging, as this personality trait has in many ways served us well. It's weird because it's having the discipline to not work your brain, which we're not usually encouraged or rewarded for developing. All the best,

    yggdrasil

    1 person found this helpful
  8. Daniel1996
    Daniel1996 avatar
    15 posts
    16 October 2021 in reply to yggdrasil

    Hi yggdrasil

    Thanks for replying to me and I think you comparison you draw to the way our minds may work in a "work environment" contributing to this problem I am having is very relevant. As a lot of my work requires sort of critical thinking and analysis I tend to do this to myself and it is really an unsustainable practice because eventually I reach boiling point where any sense of hope and clarity really plummets further and further.

    I have read through your link and I have heard of this practice before, I when I tried it the first time I found the very issue you mentioned where I can realise the thought it irrational but I seem to get feelings of agitation with myself because I am aware of this cycle in my head and then it starts becoming "why am I not normal", "why can I not relax and say this is irrational and stop it there".

    I am not sure if you experienced this as well when you started doing this technique? If so, how were you managing it in order to get the full benefit of schema therapy?

    Also, I am not sure whether you have days where it is a real struggle to put one foot in front of the other and get through but I often have weeks like this where I am just thinking of going to bed at the earliest I can but know due to my job and the like I need to get up, how have you tried to get through this at all?

    I want to enjoy my life as I feel I should be in the prime of my life but it almost feels like I'm at the biggest struggle to enjoy anything and constantly questioning my sense of self.

    Also, I see you mentioned you're psychologist is female..the person I saw was male and he was helpful but I am wondering if maybe because a big trigger point to this struggle is dating would a female voice be appropriate ?

    Sorry for the question haha

    Daniel

  9. Daniel1996
    Daniel1996 avatar
    15 posts
    16 October 2021 in reply to Mishmo

    Hi Mishmo

    I am sorry to hear you experience the same but it is comforting to know I am not alone in this.

    I see you say you are comfortable with who you and don't care for the judgement of others, this is really great and a place I want to get to as it has been a large problem for me even though I am smart enough to know that the impression I leave more often than not would be favourable I still question things like this. How or what made this trigger in you?

    The mental battle that I am having to really be comfortable in myself and really know who I am is very exhausting and I fear it is getting the better of me at the moment

  10. Petal22
    Community Champion
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    Petal22 avatar
    1311 posts
    16 October 2021 in reply to Daniel1996

    Hi Daniel1996,

    Thats great that you have seen a gp and sought counselling please see your councillor your thinking patterns aren’t trivial a trained councillor/ psychologist can help you with your thinking patterns thats why they are there please don’t be embarrassed it’s hard sometimes to have control of our minds especially when anxiety is involved. Your psychologist can give you many strategies and even help you with new perspectives… it all takes practice…… it will help you to grow.

    When a girl doesn’t seem interested try not to self analyse it’s probably just simply that she’s not the one for you….. You will meet the right girl just give it time.

    Try to practice to let things go….. it takes practice this is also something a psychologist can help you with.

    A lot of people only have a small number of friends I think this is completely normal.

    I understand that your brain starts to get into a thinking spiral and it’s hard to turn it off or redirect it for you at the moment but with help from a phycologist you can learn how to do this it really is possible.

    Have you ever tried meditation? I highly recommend you try it if you haven’t……… look for a guided meditation for learning to watch your thoughts.

    I believe meditation got me over the line with my mental health condition it taught me that I’m not my thoughts but the watcher of my thoughts….. it takes practice but once you get the hang of it it’s amazing.

  11. yggdrasil
    yggdrasil avatar
    70 posts
    18 October 2021 in reply to Daniel1996

    Hi Daniel,

    Yes I totally understand what you're saying, and yes I did experience that. I first want to echo everything Petal22 has said - seeing a trained professional will likely help you unravel all this stuff. While I like to read things and try to understand them for myself, it's always good to have a professional to guide you! I don't think it matters the gender of the psych, the key thing is that there is mutual trust and respect and you feel comfortable with them. I'll give some more detail about how I've approached the Schema thing, but this is just what's helped me, definitely experiment with different things to try and find what works for you.

    The way I approached the Schema thing was to first do a lot of writing and thinking about what they call "modes" - these are the recurring patterns of thought, emotion and behaviour that are causing you trouble. You try to think about when these "modes" first started and any events they might be associated with. For example, I had an intense fear about being judged about particular things, and after reflecting on it I realised that this issue got much worse after someone close to me (who was struggling and suffering a lot) made some serious accusations against me that were untrue, and were extremely hurtful.

    Once you've thought about the "modes" you then keep a diary - I printed off the "Logbook" worksheet from the website I linked and used that. When you get perceive a bad emotional state (for example feeling extremely tense or paranoid about being judged) you go through a CBT like process, where you write down what happened, and try to link it to the "modes" you've analysed previously. It's less about saying "this thought is irrational because..." and more about reflecting on how the complex thoughts, emotions and behaviours your experiencing are examples of this mode.

    You then get better at recognising the thoughts, emotions, behaviours that precede this mode, so you can short circuit it before it gets out of control. For me this can mean completely stopping a certain task, changing the music I'm listening too, changing the topic of a conversation I'm having, etc.

    What Petal22 said about meditation is really true - often the "short-circuit" activity is something meditative. I've tried many times to do meditation but have always struggled with it. Before COVID I did group meditation, and I have lots of "meditative" hobbies like painting Warhammer and playing pool etc.

    1 person found this helpful
  12. Daniel1996
    Daniel1996 avatar
    15 posts
    19 October 2021 in reply to Petal22

    Hi Petal22

    Thanks for replying again and for your advice

    I will try letting things go, in a dating sense it hasn't always been easy and even socially as the natural reaction is to blame myself but I am aware I need to change this pattern.

    I have tried meditation briefly my mind seems wander when I do this sometimes in a negative way I assume this is just part of becoming familiar with it? I have found it challenging to concentrate my mind lately so I struggled when I tried it but maybe something I can try again.

    Thanks again I hope I can get through this period as it just feels like I am in a fog and I can't see where it's going to clear and I am getting particularly anxious about being this way when things here in Melbourne open back up.

  13. Daniel1996
    Daniel1996 avatar
    15 posts
    19 October 2021 in reply to yggdrasil

    Hi yggdrasil

    Thanks for replying again and for your advice on Schema therapy. I have printed out the worksheets and will have a go at it as I need to start somewhere.

    I think part of the issue is I have no distraction as I have played soccer since I was 6 and it was the one area where I really felt I belonged to a group and even excelled quite successfully. Unfortunately I suffered a head injury during a pre-season game at the start of the year which due to the severity of the knock and the effect it had I was told by various doctors that it is in my best interests to retire from playing the sport. I have struggled to come to terms with this along with due to the abruptness of it all and couple that with all the other thoughts I have and it's all amplified. I feel like that was a sort of coping mechanism and somewhere I didn't question myself very much at all and I am now extremely anxious about what I am supposed to do and even the social groups I lose because of this.It probably does not make much sense but feels like that has left me in a place where now all I do is think about things.

  14. Jstar49
    Jstar49 avatar
    824 posts
    19 October 2021 in reply to Daniel1996

    Hi Daniel,

    I thought your post was very clear in explaining what’s going on for you atm. It’s interesting reading your perspective, as a younger person, and putting it together with what I know about the pressure on young ppl to have the ‘perfect life’ type thing.
    yiu seem like a really smart, likeable self aware bloke.
    I know I’d rather my daughter be friends with a guy who has 2-3 close friends rather than an army of virtual ones! Social media is a kinda crazy way of evaluating a persons worth don’t you think?

    If you can get past all the BS which you’ll have to deal with, and are able to find a physical release for those frustrating and confusing thoughts, you’ll be just fine.
    Maybe it might be a good idea to give up on dating for a while, at least until you meet someone who you hit it off with. Dating is so fraught with possible dramas, and tbh I cannot even imagine going on a date with someone unless I know them fairly well. I know it’s different for young ppl now but in my 20’s I met my boyfriends thru friends mostly, or the groups and activities I was involved in. I’m not surprised at your feelings of self doubt and insecurity- it’s a huge vulnerability trigger, to go out with someone and wait to hear if they like you.
    I’m not ancient btw, it’s only 25 yrs since I was your age. Still, that’s a lifetime isn’t it!!😆

    I hope you don’t mind me offering my perspective. I think you have a lot going for you.
    Many stable and truly satisfying relationships begin later in life. It won’t stop you longing for a partner, but it may help you to be patient. A good partner is worth waiting for. Being tied to someone who’s not really compatible is something to be avoided, if at all possible.
    Heaps of luck and good wishes,

    J*

    ps btw what you said about meditation is Completely normal! That is the struggle. Just to sit with our thoughts, being present, watching them but doing our best not to get caught up in these distracting ideas/ thoughts constantly streaming by. After years of practice, it changes, gets easier and more natural. I like to watch my breath.
    All the best, J*

    1 person found this helpful
  15. Petal22
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
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    Petal22 avatar
    1311 posts
    19 October 2021 in reply to Daniel1996

    Hi Daniel1996,

    Keep up with the meditation, meditation also exercises our attention our attention is like a muscle and it needs exercise.

    I understand that your mind goes off in a negative way ……….. what you need to do is exercise your attention so when doing your meditation focus your attention on your breath when you notice your mind wondering off your breath bring your attention back to your breath………. By doing this you are doing a push up for your attention……

    Eventually you will gain control of your attention and eventually you will learn to be the observer of your thoughts………. We aren’t our thoughts but the watcher of our thoughts…

    It takes practice you will get there…

    Google a meditation for a guided meditation for learning to watch your thoughts.

    Things will improve for you keep seeking help …… the fog will lift… just give it time.

    2 people found this helpful
  16. Petal22
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Petal22 avatar
    1311 posts
    19 October 2021 in reply to Daniel1996
    GYM BOX mindfulness meditation is good if your interested in googling it
    1 person found this helpful
  17. Baljit
    Community Champion
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    Baljit avatar
    35 posts
    19 October 2021 in reply to Daniel1996

    Hi Daniel,

    It’s great that you have seen a GP and that you will be receiving some counselling.

    I also agree with the advice from Petal22, in regards to meditation, it really does support in providing a moment of reflection, in a controlled and calm way.

    On a personal note and sharing my lived experience I have also felt and have been lost on many occasions and for me meditation has always played a key part in my recovery.

    For me when I am feeling overwhelmed or anxious meditation provides me with a very quick reality check, and it reminds me that certain events/outcomes are going to be out of my control and whatever I do, I will not be able to influence change, and this has really supported me in increasing my resilience, allowing me to focus my positive energy on events where I can drive change and only for those ones that are really important for my own personal well being.

    I hope this helps and in the meantime please feel free to continue reaching out to us on your thread..

    Take care

    Baljit

    1 person found this helpful
  18. Daniel1996
    Daniel1996 avatar
    15 posts
    19 October 2021 in reply to Jstar49

    Hi Jstar49

    Thanks for replying and your perspective is extremely useful and I greatly appreciate it!

    I think the point you make about young people needing a “perfect life” is very valid and I feel like social media has made me think this way and adds a layer of pressure that I don’t need. Like I am aware it’s irrational to think the amounts of friends you have or followers you have determines your worth and it’s almost that which is half the problem because I allow myself to beat myself up about thinking this way.

    Part of what I feel is like extreme burnout of my brain ticking over about things pertaining to dating. I have slowly started to take a step back as it feels more exhausting than what it should be. I feel due to the world today and online dating being really a main source of dating because of the current climate it makes me feel so much pressure because every meeting with someone new almost feels like there’s an undertone to it that it has to lead somewhere and it has taken enjoyment out of the process to be honest.

    I think also given I have never had a serious relationship I am partly insecure about this as I have felt strange about it at my age whether it’s weird to not have had at least one relationship rather than short term dating. Things sort of progress but never really go past a second or third date phase for me and it feels when I meet someone there’s a sense of inevitability these days that this will happen again like the last time.

    I think you offer some really sage advice that I need to remind myself just a bit patient and maybe take a step back for a bit.

    I do need to try to persist with meditation or something similar because the feelings and thoughts I have been having are unsustainable

    thanks again!

    1 person found this helpful
  19. Daniel1996
    Daniel1996 avatar
    15 posts
    19 October 2021 in reply to Baljit

    Hi Baljit

    thanks for your kind words and advice

    i think I need to find some strategies and stick to them for a sustained period to get through this period

  20. Jstar49
    Jstar49 avatar
    824 posts
    20 October 2021 in reply to Daniel1996

    Hi Daniel,

    Thats nice, the things you said, about appreciating my perspective. Nice to know my thoughts resonate with you.

    It sounds like you have a clear idea of what you need to do, for your own wellbeing.

    Learning to trust your own gut instinct is such a valuable process. After all, we always have ourselves, at the end of the day. Others may let us down, but by tuning into our own wisdom, listening and refining that intuitive sense, we build an important resource for life.

    All this talk about meditation (which I LOVE btw) Is reminding me that when I was big into meditating, going to retreats and such, I was also drumming. And drumming has been shown to be really powerful healing tool in mental health groups, depression etc. Might be something you would enjoy?

    The physical release of drumming, as well as the ancient rhythmic beats....just fantastic.

    Google drumming for mental health....

    Cheers,

    J*

    1 person found this helpful
  21. Hanna3
    Hanna3 avatar
    3207 posts
    20 October 2021 in reply to Daniel1996

    Hi Daniel

    For what it's worth - I've turned down nice guys who wanted a relationship not because of anything wrong with them, but because I didn't think I was going to be the right partner for them in the long run.

    I thought they were lovely men but that ultimately we might want different things. They weren't rejected because of anything wrong with them or because I didn't like them or didn't find them attractive. I just felt that I wasn't the right girl for them.

    Hope this helps you understand a no doesn't mean that you're not attractive or liked!

    Cheers 🙂

    2 people found this helpful
  22. Daniel1996
    Daniel1996 avatar
    15 posts
    20 October 2021 in reply to Hanna3

    Hi Hanna

    thanks for your kind words

    I definitely understand what you mean, I guess I’ve just grown up around people that have the attitude that “nice guys finish last” so it seems like it’s a bad thing the way I am

  23. Daniel1996
    Daniel1996 avatar
    15 posts
    20 October 2021 in reply to Jstar49

    Hi Jstar

    Thanks for the advice again

    I actually play guitar, well try to I teach myself, I haven’t picked it up for quite a while because of the way I’ve been feeling which has just zapped my energy but maybe that’s an idea

    1 person found this helpful
  24. Hanna3
    Hanna3 avatar
    3207 posts
    20 October 2021 in reply to Daniel1996

    Hi Daniel

    Nice guys don't finish last. That's just an excuse for an easy way out - saying there's no point in trying.

    My suggestion - try to focus less on yourself and more on other people. Aspire to be a good friend and person, do the best you can to live a decent and rewarding life, do something to help others around you. Cultivate a sense of humour if you can because that's a major help in getting through life.

    I think you need to stop focusing so much on how you feel and try to focus your attention on just being a friendly approachable person.

    That's my best advice to you. Make your focus be on how you make other people feel and I think you'll find people will like you.

    Give it a try! Cheers. 🙂

    2 people found this helpful
  25. Daniel1996
    Daniel1996 avatar
    15 posts
    20 October 2021 in reply to Hanna3

    Hi Hanna

    Thanks a lot for your advice I really appreciate it.

    I think I do have some of the qualities you’ve mentioned but I think I’ve just lost my way a bit so I think your suggestion is a good one. Might take time but I’ll try!

    thanks again

  26. Jstar49
    Jstar49 avatar
    824 posts
    21 October 2021 in reply to Daniel1996

    Hi Daniel,

    I know what you mean about the whole 'nice guys/gals finish last'- it's real. All the movies show the gorgeous girl going for the ego driven butthead, the 'bad boy' syndrome......

    Thats not real.

    You are a great guy. You're at a similar age to my nephew when he bemoaned his lack of a steady girlfriend. Similar thing- not much confidence in himself, as he was, and this feeling that the other guys get the girls. Now, I'm not really sure if it was just coincidence, but I told him, no way dude. You will get to the age where, suddenly you're going to be the one to be with, because you are yourself, wonderful, caring, cute in your own way, and just such a catch. Less than 2 yrs later he's married to a seriously drop dead gorgeous girl (but I mean, looks don't count right?) and I hope he's very happy. When all this covid bs is over maybe I'll even be able to ask him in person. (He's over a border)

    Have faith in yourself. Youre awesome!!

    Cheers,

    J*

    1 person found this helpful
  27. Daniel1996
    Daniel1996 avatar
    15 posts
    22 October 2021 in reply to Jstar49

    Hi Jstar

    Thanks for the kind words again!

    This stuff has just been really weighing on my mind heavily, there’s a lot of elements to it lack of experience is one not in terms of dating because I think have gained this over time and I have eliminated some of the anxieties I had about dates previously but more so in terms of how to progress from just dating to like the next step with someone. Then there’s a lack of full faith in myself whilst I know I have a lot of things going for me I think the lack of confidence comes from a general lack in confidence in the situation as it stands at the moment. Like I don’t really have any potential options at the moment which in essence isn’t a bad thing but it just makes me feel a bit like what do I do.

    I understand when people say it will happen when you least expect it but I feel an intense amount of pressure to make something happen for myself as I don’t just expect things to fall into place and generally I have had to go the long way around for a lot of things in my life thus far.

    I also feel bad about being anxious about things opening up here in Melbourne when I should be glad but it’s because of this pressure I feel and I also feel I wasted opportunities pre-covid and I think things post lockdown won’t be as easy to meet people because of caps on capacities and things like that. I feel I have taken the online stuff as far as I can take it, I have met some good people but just things don’t line up I guess and I don’t hold out much hope on there anymore but I understand I need to just keep it there I guess.

    As I’ve mentioned previously I think, I don’t have a large network of friends and most of these have partners so really I don’t see these people all that often and I would say I get anxious at the thought of trying to find new groups because I realise I have to do this on my own.

    Sorry for the ramble I have a bad habit and I realise these “issues” aren’t as bad as what others may be experiencing the feelings have just intensified lately and feel a bit hopeless with this stuff at the moment and I think to an extent its impatience as I’m not ignorant to think I don’t have any flaws in my thinking.

    thanks again

    Daniel

    1 person found this helpful
  28. yggdrasil
    yggdrasil avatar
    70 posts
    24 October 2021 in reply to Daniel1996

    This makes perfect sense mate. Really sorry to hear you've lost that avenue. For me physical activity is so essential for staying mentally healthy. It can really take the edge off those intense spiralling patterns of thought. I'd suggest looking for a non-contact sport to take up instead. Before COVID, "Parkruns" were held in many parts of the country every Saturday, and there were usually social coffees after the run (https://www.parkrun.com.au/). I think they're still going in regional areas: hopefully they'll be starting again everywhere soon. If you're near a beach, beach volleyball leagues also run at many beaches, which is fun and non-contact (also sand makes for soft landings if you fall!) Meetup dot com can probably also help you find other fun casual sports to play. There are also volunteering things you can do that provide great physical exercise and also allow you to meet lots of nice people.

    Before COVID I also played pool regularly - many pubs have super casual tournament nights and it's very normal to just rock up on your own to play. There are still pool halls around that run leagues too. While pool isn't a big workout, I found the concentration and focus a really meditative type activity good for calming an over active mind, and for light, casual socialising with others.

    I can see the dating stuff is causing a lot stress at the moment, and COVID can't have made it any easier. I want to echo what Hanna3 has said. I remember how much pressure I felt at your age to be pursuing relationships etc. Romantic relationships can be very volatile and mentally and emotionally demanding, so my advice would be to step away from it for a bit, and not put so much pressure on yourself to make it happen. If the goal of a relationship is to find someone you can love and care for, romantic relationships are only one expression of that, i.e. you can prioritise volunteering, caring for friends and family etc instead for a while. I think a lot of this stuff will get easier once things start opening up again.

    3 people found this helpful
  29. Jstar49
    Jstar49 avatar
    824 posts
    24 October 2021 in reply to Daniel1996

    Hi Daniel,

    Totally agree with what yggdrasil said- some great suggestions there.

    Also, meeting the right someone is just a matter of being in the right place at the right time, IMO, and a few good friends who know you well and care about you is way better than a huge circle of superficial relationships, again IMHO, so hang in there, accept those dinner invites if they come, get on with your life, and you'll be ok.

    I met my husband at his sister's place. I didn't think anything of it at the time, but apparently I made an impression in the brief glance he got. I had one criteria- someone who was ready to get married. We got that on the table early, in a casual social setting, and so I felt comfortable letting the relationship progress, cos I felt that he wanted similar things to me. (It totally wasn't this intense one on one thing btw, completely incidental, but I remember thinking, well, I'm glad to know that )

    Totally natural to be having these thoughts tho- I remember being plagued thru my 20's. So impatient that I didn't wait for a good one....But things come around again, and my 30's found me a good man, and a second chance.

    I think social anxiety after all this time is pretty natural. I knwo someone's asked to meet up for a coffee and I'm not sure what we need to do that for..... feels weird! And I had my ear talked off on weekend by a new acquaintance- I think everyone's feeling it. Does that make it easier?

    Sometimes it's best to just get it out there in the open- confess to feeling strange about it to another person, if you feel like it, and see what response you get. My bet is they'll be feeling similarly.

    Cheers,

    J*

    2 people found this helpful
  30. Daniel1996
    Daniel1996 avatar
    15 posts
    25 October 2021 in reply to yggdrasil

    Thanks for all your advice mate it's much appreciated!

    I will definitely look into when those Park Runs start because that's probably something that's up my alley to start with as I know I can be pretty anxious to start anything new and unfamiliar.

    I hear what you say about taking a step back from the dating scene and ease of the pressure and I do think it's a good idea it's just part of me feels stupidly like I am waving the white flag with it lately. There's a lot of elements at play to the pressure I feel, my sisters wedding coming up early next year and I know my family want me to bring someone but I would not just want to bring anyone to an event like that but at the same time in events such as this it has made me enjoy it less as I am the only one really out of the younger people in my family without a partner to bring to these types of occasions.

    I want to take a step back and try let things come to me but I find it hard to relax and release control of things but I will definitely try a lot of the suggestions that have been given to me

    1 person found this helpful

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