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Topic: when will things change?

10 posts, 0 answered
  1. spontaneous sunflower
    spontaneous sunflower  avatar
    42 posts
    1 April 2021

    Right now I feel like I’m not suited for this world. I don’t “have what it takes”, I’m not a go getter. Sometimes I feel like my dreams of travelling overseas, living in a nice house near the beach, falling in love, having a successful career, etc, are always going to be just dreams. I say I want to do things and then I don’t or I start something but never continue long enough that it makes a difference. I feel like I’m wasted potential. I’m not dumb, I have a general gist about how to get things in life. I’m thoughtful, observant and kind and I’ve always had big dreams in life but what does that matter? Barely anyone cares if you’re a thoughtful, empathetic person. You need to be motivated, confident, strong, determined. I don’t feel like any of those things. I could be, but I feel like there’s a poison in my mind that prevents me from being those things. Sometimes I believe I am those things but never long enough that it sticks in my mind. My whole life I’ve felt this way I think. I have always been sensitive. My whole life I’ve been trying so hard. Trying to fit in, trying to make friends, trying to get good grades, trying to be seen, trying to be a good person. At 18, I don’t think I’m much different than 5yo me who wandered around the schoolyard alone. I still suck at making friends, I still go unnoticed, I’m still quiet. I’ve always felt kind of disposable. People seem to come and go through my life so easily but I take forever to move on.

    Why am I like this? Why can’t I just get up at 8am, eat a healthy breakfast and go on a walk? Why can’t I get a job, why can’t I even just write a resume and hand it out to places? Why can’t I even just do that? Why can’t I get out, see people and talk to people? Why can’t I make friends and be social and be normal? Why can’t I switch my anxiety off, switch my thoughts off? Why does it have to be so complicated? I don’t always feel this way but why is it that when I do, it is so consuming?
    Something needs to change now. I’m 18 and I feel like if something doesn’t change now, I’ll spend the rest of my life feeling this way. But I feel so lost and frustrated. I have nothing, no belief in myself, no job, little money, no big passion in life that distracts me or gives me purpose. I have basically no one. My family is broken, my parents work a lot, I’m no longer in touch with one of my brothers, I have few friends and they’re almost always busy, I don’t have a partner. And god, I barely have myself.

    1 person found this helpful
  2. therising
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    1 April 2021 in reply to spontaneous sunflower

    Hi spontaneous sunflower

    It sounds like you know who you naturally are, that person who happily imagines all the things you long for. It's seriously tough when we don't seem to have anyone around us who can show us how to take what we imagine and bring it into reality. Being stuck without really good guides can even get depressing at times.

    It's kind of strange when you think about it, how no one really shows us how to connect to life. It's like we're born and then we're led to follow the rules at home and the rules in society. We can spend years following rules and basic guidelines until, bamm, one day we wake up and can be left thinking 'Who am I beyond all the rules and conditions? Who am I, really?'

    I've discovered one of the things that keeps me out of depression (a state I left behind me some years ago) involves the question 'Who am I naturally?' Even more revealing can be the question 'Who is my natural self compared to my conditioned self?' Give you an example, so as to elaborate a little:

    • I am naturally someone with a brilliant imagination. My imagination is so vivid at times that the details I imagine can lead me to a natural high. I'm sensitive enough to feel throughout my body the impact of my imagination, my vision of the future. I can be all over excited
    • My conditioned self says 'You can't do that, that's ridiculous. You need to not upset anyone too much and try and fit in with the people around you. Tone down your imagination so that you don't face too much disappointment'.

    Wondering if you can relate to this.

    We can spend many years being conditioned into being a people pleaser who isn't led to dream big. We can even have people in our life who lead by example when it comes to dismissing grand visions of the future as well as inspiration. I can remember when this revelation hit me. It was kinda like 'I've been conditioned into being me but this me is not who I naturally am'. Then the big challenges start to come in. 'How do I become me, the real me? How do I start to raise myself into being who I naturally am?'

    Personally, I've found that on the quest of self discovery it pays to be sensitive. Be sensitive to the deep need to question people as well as the need to wonder. Be sensitive to the compulsion to create visions of the future and to the people who you feel raising you and the ones who you feel bringing you down. Above all else, be sensitive to inspiration. If you hear inspiration say 'You're on the verge of change', trust this.

    :)

    1 person found this helpful
  3. tranzcrybe
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    1 April 2021 in reply to spontaneous sunflower
    There is a well worn saying on the forums: "...to ensure a judgment free environment".
    Can you apply this thinking to your own self evaluation? I feel you are placing a lot of pressure to be, do and prove yourself according to the ideals of others - your peers (and probably since you were 5 years old) - as you try to navigate perceived ways of being accepted, popular, successful, which may leave you frozen on the spot and restless to achieve advances which may not be your natural path.
    Take a step back and allow yourself to simply be. You can only truly find yourself after removing expectation. Many do not, and wind up living a delusion resulting in distress. Pursue your dreams by all means but be true to yourself above all. You do have what it takes but it starts with inner confidence from knowing and accepting what defines you and not how you are defined.
    Kudos therising for a more eloquent derivation.

    1 person found this helpful
  4. spontaneous sunflower
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    42 posts
    2 April 2021 in reply to therising
    Hi therising,
    Thank you for your response, it really resonated with me.
    You’re spot on about how no one really teaches us how to connect to life. We get taught all the pretty basic surface level things in life, but I always find myself, especially in my anxious and/or depressed states, searching for some kind of deeper meaning or purpose.
    The concept you mention of the natural self vs the conditioned self has encouraged me to change the way I am currently reflecting on myself- recently I have been fixating on all the bad things in my life, all the bad decisions and mistakes I’ve made. The thoughts that go through my mind as I think about these things are similar to those I said in my original post- “why am I like this?” “Why can’t I do this or that?” “Why did I do that?” “Why is my life the way it is?” etc, etc. I am criticizing myself and blaming myself excessively. My conditioned self sets ridiculously high expectations for myself because I am shy, anxious, sensitive and quiet, I have to try harder to do things that seem to come easily to other people. I have a very toxic mindset of “If I’m going to try this hard to this certain thing/task, I must do said thing perfectly” which is just ridiculous because there’s no such thing as perfect. I have been conditioned into thinking I am inadequate because of this. But my natural self is inquisitive, thoughtful, compassionate, imaginative. My natural self likes to wander and explore and learn. My conditioned self views my lessons as mistakes and failures. My natural self loves being outdoors and experiencing amazing things like swimming at the beach, going to concerts and travelling. My conditioned self is insecure and withdraws and isolates. My natural self enjoys being around people, enjoys the sense of community and belonging that can be felt, enjoys when someone helps me learn something new about myself. My conditioned self thinks I am better off being alone, where I can’t say stupid things.
    It was very interesting to think about who my conditioned self is and who my natural self is (so much so that it has taken me a whole day to really think about how to form this response!) The big challenge indeed is how to I raise myself into who I naturally am when I am in an environment that is quite discouraging and uninspired?
  5. spontaneous sunflower
    spontaneous sunflower  avatar
    42 posts
    2 April 2021 in reply to tranzcrybe

    Thank you for replying!

    I am very judgemental and critical of myself! I have no problem showing others compassion, understanding and empathy but have always struggle to apply those things to my own situations. My response to therising delves a bit more into that.

    "Take a step back and simply be". I very much needed to hear this. I think when I say I want things to change, it is kind of interchangeable for "I want a break. I want to things to slow down. I want to breathe and just be". Right now I don't have the greatest grasp on who I am and what it is to "simply be" me. But I think this is a result of constantly trying to be someone else, something better, etc. My perception of myself has gotten a bit lost in all the pressure and stress of trying to be better. I'm unsure of how to simply be in this current state, not going to lie.

  6. therising
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    3 April 2021 in reply to spontaneous sunflower

    Hi spontaneous sunflower

    You sound naturally amazing, you really do. So much so that you've led me to feel inspired.

    It can be such an incredible challenge, finding your natural self. Actually, it's more like remembering your natural self. Being such an analytical gal, I've spent a lot of time considering the natural self I was dismembered from and how this came to be. It's kinda sad in a way, the way this happens but incredible the way re-membering our self leads us to feel life again. While there are a stack of 'dismemberment' processes, I'll give you just 3 for example

    • Most little kids are natural born daydreamers. Daydreaming is a super natural gift with one form involving the ability to stop thinking, tune out and relax. Another name for this is 'meditation'. As we grow, we're told more and more 'Stop daydreaming!', as opposed to 'I'll show you how to daydream/meditate constructively at the right time so that it serves you throughout your life'. We may be taught that daydreaming is a bad thing and a waste of time
    • Another form of daydreaming involves delving into the imagination, a magical place. We can imagine the most amazing things. Ask just about any entrepreneur or inventor where they came up with their ideas and they'll most likely tell you they pulled what they've managed to make real from their imagination. Amazing when you think about it but just about everything man made that you see around you came from someone's imagination. Even nature based creations like a landscaped garden came from someone's imagination. So, how are we encouraged to work with our imagination as little kids? A lot of the times we can be told 'Grow up and focus on the more important things', instead of 'I'll show you how the channel your imagination in the most amazing and productive of ways'
    • As little kids we can typically channel inspiration quite easily. What comes to mind may be 'Create this drawing or that' or 'Climb that tree. You can do it!' Inspiration keeps our mind open and our natural excitement levels up. Cue the adults. 'You can't do that. Don't be so ridiculous' or 'Stop focusing on the silly things' etc etc, instead of 'I'll show you how to not only channel inspiration more but follow instructions thoughtfully, not recklessly'

    That little kid remains inside of us, wanting to be re-membered in some way. Finding people to help us remember our self is a mega challenge at times. Searching for the right people sets the quest in motion.

    :)

  7. quirkywords
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    3 April 2021 in reply to spontaneous sunflower

    Spontaneous sunflower, I like your name, and thanks for starting this thread.

    Also thanks to the rising, tranzcybe , and sunflower for all your thoughtful comments. I always learn so much from other comments.

    I am considering my natural self and my conditioned self.
    I write a thread about Be yourself who am I, where I discussed some of the things mentioned in this thread but you have given me more to ponder.

    I am in my 60 s and at times I am working out with which self I am and who I am just as much as I did at 18 . I suppose I accept things more now or try to.

    Thanks again sunflower and I hope writing here has helped you.

  8. spontaneous sunflower
    spontaneous sunflower  avatar
    42 posts
    16 April 2021

    Hi everyone,

    Sorry I haven't replied/updated for a while! Hope you all had a lovely easter.

    I've just been going through the motions these past couple weeks, can't say I've made any huge improvement on my mood and situation. But any progress, however small, is still progress. I think I've come to terms with how I feel and have felt throughout the years and have started to be a little less frustrated at my anxiety and depression. Instead of always being like "why do i feel like this? Why can't I be happy?" I've been a bit more "I feel this way because XYZ happened and it's okay to feel the way I do". This change of mindset has also been helpful towards differentiating which people in my life do not help my situation/make me feel bad for being the way I am and which people are more empathetic and accept me/love me as I am. I've noticed I have quite a few fairweather friends.

    Finding one's natural self reminds me a lot of inner child healing. I'm very intrigued by this notion of healing your inner child because like I said in my original post, I feel like I've "always been this way" and I can link a couple issues I struggle with now to issues I also struggled with in childhood, e.g I really struggled making friends in primary school and I still do now. I think I coped better when I was a kid with these things though, because I had lots of interests. I loved animals, writing, drawing, reading, music, going on trips to the beach or the mountains with my family. Eventually in my childhood I made friends, probably by just sticking it through and being authentically myself. I made friends who had similar interests. But as I've gotten older, I don't read or write as much as I used to and that used to be a HUGE part of who I was. I think as you get older you stop doing certain things you enjoy because in the adult world it's deemed a waste of time, or you become more aware that there are others better at it than you so you become discouraged. I wanted to be a vet when I was younger but gave up on it sometime in HS because I wasn't maths or science oriented enough. Now at 18 I'm studying to be a veterinary nurse.

    I feel very far away from the person I want to be. I'm trying to get better at prioritising healthy friendships and cutting off the toxic ones. I'm trying to remember what were the things I enjoyed as a kid and how can I do them now as a young adult?

  9. therising
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    16 April 2021 in reply to spontaneous sunflower

    Hi spontaneous sunflower

    Definitely sounds like you're making progress, even though it's a little slower than you'd like. I've found when progress is slow it can feel deeply challenging in some ways. Then, bamm, an epiphany comes along and I can finally feel things beginning to move along again. Thank goodness for the occasional epiphany :)

    Personally, I found it pretty tough when I went through significant changes in myself and my life, in transitioning out of depression. I became almost like a completely different person. Everyone around me wasn't used to this nature, my natural self. I was weird, difficult, a bit of a cow at times and high maintenance in a way. Hang on a sec, let me rephrase all that. I developed a love of all things energy (certain aspects of spirituality/a more natural take on life, quantum physics and so on), I was no longer the perfect people pleaser, I did not tolerate the intolerable behaviour of others and I was more energetic and enthusiastic about life than I'd ever been before. I actually went through a painful transition from 1) coming out of my depression, 2) facing most of the people in my life not liking or approving of who I'd become, 3) conforming back to be my old self, to some degree, someone who everyone could relate to again, 4) beginning to get down in life again and 5) finding my 2nd wind when it came to re-turning to who I naturally am. My advice to anyone in the process of finding and living as their natural self would be...don't give in. Don't give up who you are, who you are coming to gradually love (your true self), for anyone. I'd rather give up most of the relationships around me than sacrifice my self again. The sacrifice of our natural self would have to be one of the most depressing experiences in one's life. Sounds a bit of a downer but, in looking back, it's like feeling your true self die off bit by bit. I will not go there for anyone ever again, just to please them.

    Amazing how when you go from people pleaser to people challenger the amount of people who you find just aren't up for the challenge. I figure, if I'm going to be me and it's too challenging for some, that's a them problem. The ones who love me are keepers. They're the type who love us for expressing our self thoughtfully in liberating/inspirational ways. They're the ones who are invested in our evolution, the ones who are powerful enough to bring a little light to some of our darkest days. They make a difference.

    :)

    1 person found this helpful
  10. spontaneous sunflower
    spontaneous sunflower  avatar
    42 posts
    22 April 2021

    *Sigh*. What you're about to read is a little unrelated to my previous posts but I really am finding it so hard to catch a break recently.

    I feel like I'm knee deep in the mess and issues of my life, and they just keep building up.

    Yesterday my brother came into my room holding a phone I had never seen before and a bewildered look on his face. He was looking for a pair of socks in our parents room and found this phone that he did not recognise to be our mum or dad's. Curiosity got the better of him and he unlocked it. No passcode. It was a burner phone, with messages between my dad and another woman. I always suspected my dad cheated back in 2016/2017, because my parents would argue a lot, but I never saw any solid evidence. But what was shocking about this was he was cheating when he was working away from home in 2018 and the woman he was seeing seemed aware he had children. Even more sickeningly, he called her the same nickname he calls my mum, and although the last time they texted or called is dated Nov 2019, it seems suspicious to me that he still has the phone, and that it was fully charged.

    I'm furious and upset and hurt. And frustrated because I feel like we are trapped in this situation. My mum has told me in the past she wanted to leave dad before but then she didn't. I have no idea if she knows what my brother and I now know, and I can't talk to her right now as she is away for a week and a half in QLD visiting her sister and working. My brother tells me she probably won't leave him until we fix/renovate our current house and sell it... which could take ages.

    I don't have enough money to just move out of my dysfunctional home myself. I hate that he did this to my mum and to our family, I hate that he always blames us but really he is the culprit behind all the hurt. The amount of times he's said he doesn't understand why our family is so messed up, why my brothers and I struggle with our mental health, all the while he was an alcoholic and cheating on our mother. I hate that now I have even more baggage to carry. I hate that I think I'm in love with someone for the first time in my life but my life feels like it's constantly crashing down and I'd hate to bring that person into it.

    What do I even do now? I feel like I'm trying to put my life back together from broken pieces.

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