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Topic: Where do I even start

4 posts, 0 answered
  1. kirbyGirl
    kirbyGirl avatar
    2 posts
    9 August 2021

    I don't even know how to put in writing how I feel anymore, but here we go. Bit of background - for most if not all my life, ive been abused by a father and emotionally and physically manipulated by my mother and sister. I moved out in January this year, and while its been the best decision ive ever made, its also led to a lot of other problems, dramas, and realization. Ive started to realize how much anxiety, depression, PTSD, etc I have - and even become aware of the fact I have had OCD for a long time. Usually i can cope with kind of stuff, and I just work through it, but im finding myself cracking, I feel like I'm falling and I dont know what to do.

    R recently I found out I am pregnant (accidently) and will soon have to go through an abortion which is so scary to me, and no one seems to really grasp how this is affecting me even though i have mentioned it, the worst part is I cant even have my family with me.

    Over the span of 4 months ive lost so many friends ive lost count, a lot of the time this was because they were toxic, but recently my friend went off at me because I didnt realize they're pronouns were they/them and accidentally referred to them as she a few times - this is completely my fault as I was very much sheltered and kept from things like this by my toxic family, but it really upset and bothers me because I never want to upset someone like that

    Ontop of this my current bf doesn't seem to listen to me generally, he tends to ignore me when i express im upset and only realizes he messed up when i start to cry.

    Theres so much more i can unpack, problems upon problems, and its all just suddenly made me snap i guess you could say - I feel like i want to cry and scream constantly, Im frustrated, and dont want to be around people at all, ive started to go back to old habit thats are extremely bad for me, and i just feel utterly hopeless...i guess when youve suffered for so many years and have people consantly tell you "it gets better" as their response, yet it never does, you really start to lose hope.

    Anyone have any advice on my situation?

  2. geoff
    Life Member
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    15102 posts
    9 August 2021 in reply to kirbyGirl

    Hello KirkGirl, and a warm welcome and understand that when one problem arises another one is close by.

    I also have OCD and I know that the complexities of being pregnant are going to cause more problems for you and really hope you can tell us what you want to say, and if I can try and relax you, all the people posting, replying and commenting on this site have had their own type of depression, whatever that means, but do understand that we are all here to try and help one another.

    Your comment will be read by many people, some who may not reply to you, but can relate to what you've said, while others will want to keep talking with you.

    We really hope to hear back from you because what else that's happened will benefit us to see the whole picture, and please don't be afraid.

    Take care.

    Geoff.

    1 person found this helpful
  3. therising
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    therising avatar
    2109 posts
    9 August 2021 in reply to kirbyGirl

    Hi kirbyGirl

    My heart truly goes out to you as you face so many overwhelming challenges. You deserve to have people around you who are conscious and supportive, to the degree where it makes a significant difference for you.

    Wondering whether, in some ways, it feels like you're waking up but the people around you are still somewhat 'asleep'. Someone could wake up to find the abuse from their parents is intolerable and so completely wrong, on so many levels, but those parents cannot see what's wrong. If anything, they'll find fault in others while refusing to wake up to see the faults in themselves. Someone could wake up to find toxic friends surrounding them. Those friends remain asleep when it comes to their toxic nature. You can have a friend who's asleep to the need to understand your upbringing and how it influences the way you see life. You can have a partner who remains asleep to the need to feel what you feel, on top of the need to be more conscious and supportive.

    Wondering whether you're beginning to find yourself to be the most awake out of everyone you know and everyone's still kind of asleep in a way.

    Do you feel like you need someone to help you make better sense of what you could say was the nightmare that was your childhood. Do you need to make sense of everything?

    It sound like you need to wake your boyfriend up in regard to him supporting you through the process of a termination. You deserve for him to be fully awake to this, in supporting you before and after. It's unfair on you that he gets to stay asleep. You could even say to him 'You need to wake up to responsibility in life'.

    When it comes to your friend who's being harsh on you for using 'she', perhaps you need to wake them up to how much you've been trying and how you realise you've still got some work to do. The truth is you're working hard on this. You are a great friend and that's the truth.

    :)

    1 person found this helpful
  4. Amanda2000
    Amanda2000 avatar
    130 posts
    9 August 2021 in reply to kirbyGirl

    Hi kirbyGirl (again)

    I remember you from your first thread.

    Whilst my issues are nothing compared to what you're dealing with right now, I do relate to not being able to share my emotional/mental-struggles with family. Every conversation just turns the bad into worse. At the end I feel they're blaming me for not taking action to fix my ocd/anxiety/depression. They make no effort to research and learn more about my condition.

    Re ocd, I've worked out a way that helps me. Before you repeat the action (eg. handwashing or checking), ask yourself whether doing it one more time will make you feel cleaner/more assured or create more stress from touching the tap. If the answer is "cleaner/more assured", do it just one more time thoroughly. If you're having doubts, stop and walk away.

    Try to think of today as just a temporary phase in life. You will get through all of this. Life is full of ups and downs. Life may never feel "perfect" but there will be other things in life to make you feel a little better than right now!

    1 person found this helpful

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