i don't even know why i am posting this, i guess it's just easier when i can write everything down and not try to explain it to someone.
Every year i try to make friends and it goes okay and then it's like i slowly start to pull away and all my friends go in one direction and i'm left all alone. Ever since i can remember i would try my best to make friends and fit in but i still ended up feeling lonely towards the end of the year. I like being on my own and i think that is part of the problem. I want to just have space to relax and do my own thing and in doing so i think people just end up leaving me alone. I have extreme social awkwardness and anxiety. I struggle to make a conversation with people outside my immediate family like cousins and family friends who i have known all my life. So making friends is absolutely terrifying and difficult.
I think one of the things i struggle with is my sister who is two years older than me. She goes out with her friends almost every day and comes home late every night. She is always making fun of me and saying i don't have any friends.
I have one friend but she's not very nice and picks on me all the time. Last year she told the whole school that i punched her. lots of people came up to me and were being really rude. We eventually made up after a few weeks but I lost most of my friends because of that. She makes fun of me and tells really mean jokes about me but she's been my friend for 5 years and if i stop being friends with her i will have no one to sit with.
School starts back on Monday and i am terrified. We have been at home in quarantine for almost three months and my social skills have declined even further. My homeroom teacher started making me see the school psychologist a few months ago but i don't know how i'm meant to talk about everything. I just feel all alone all the time and even when i hang with other people it just makes me want to go sit alone because i don't know how to connect and fit in to their conversations.
I keep asking my mum to let me move schools which might be terrifying to some people but i just want a fresh start where no one knows me and i can just be myself.
I had one friend who i felt like actually knew me and i could talk to and open up to but she moved back to England at the end of last year. i have tried everything i play lot's of sports, i join school clubs but i always feel like im in this bubble and i don't know how to get out.
Please i need help i don't know what to do.