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Topic: Trying to end an abusive relationship

9 posts, 0 answered
  1. TBEJ
    TBEJ avatar
    3 posts
    13 August 2016
    I have been in a relationship for 2+ years with someone who treats me like I am the dirt on his shoe.
    The relationship is 100% emotional and verbal abuse. He has called me every name under the sun, while also blaming me for his depression and suicidal thoughts. Tonight he once again blamed me for his unhappiness, and started claiming he has bulimia just to trigger some sort of response from me. He expects me to beg at his feet and do anything to save him and this relationship.
    I used to, but not anymore. This same guy forces me into sexual acts no matter where I am or what I am doing. My uncle committed suicide 2 months after my friend passed away, and instead of being there for me and supporting me, he threatened suicide if I didn't perform sexual acts for him. I have done so this entire relationship just to avoid his anger and harsh treatment.
    But I am so sick and tired of feeling this way. I deserve so much more. Yet I have been having one hell of a time finding the courage to end it. Every single day I dread hearing from him again. I put myself into panic attacks when I see him calling my phone or sending me a message, because I expect him to treat me like garbage again until I do whatever he wants.
    I am in the middle of studying for my dream career, and working so hard in the workplace to obtain this career. I have serious family problems, and have lost 95% of my friends. I cannot keep doing this day after day. I need to start repairing my life and focus on more important things. I need happiness again.
    But how do I do it? How do I finally gain the courage to say its over? It has been over 2 years and I still haven't found the complete strength. I am constantly delaying it and changing my mind the next day. For some stupid reason, I feel as though I am hurting him by leaving. I don't know how to stop thinking that way..
  2. Zeal
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
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    Zeal avatar
    1737 posts
    13 August 2016 in reply to TBEJ

    Hi TBEJ,

    Welcome to the forum!

    You are right - you definitely deserve better and you need to leave this relationship as soon as possible. The abuse and mistreatment you described sounds very psychologically damaging. Being in this relationship would have made it hard to maintain friendships. Definitely contact a friend - it's important for you to have positive social contact right now.

    It sounds as though you are scared of this man harming himself, and being angry and volatile when you end relations with him. Here is a site that could be of interest: http://www.domesticviolence.com.au/pages/barriers-to-leaving-an-abusive-relationship.php
    This site has info on actions you can take now: http://au.reachout.com/what-to-do-if-youre-in-an-abusive-relationship
    Remember that you are not responsible for this man's mental wellbeing. He has grossly mistreated you, and you do not need to feel any guilt at not staying in this relationship. If you have the number of one of his relatives, you could call them to say you feel he needs help. If he is desperate, he can call emergency services or lifeline for himself. Lifeline's number is: 13 11 14.

    Hopefully you can stay somewhere safe after ending the relationship, like with an old friend.
    There are kind people on this forum who may be able to offer some advice based on their personal experience.

    I wish you all the best,

    SM

    2 people found this helpful
  3. Starwolf
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
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    Starwolf avatar
    2521 posts
    13 August 2016 in reply to TBEJ

    Hi TBEJ,

    Well done for finding the courage to share your story with us.

    How right you are, you deserve much better than this toxic relationship...It seems your partner has a narcissistic personality, the need to control caused by his own insecurity issues. I once walked out on a couple of such relationships so I understand your difficulties. Those relationships pull the carpet from under your feet. It is difficult to muster the necessary self esteem and confidence when you are told repeatedly that you are the one at fault for everything and worthless. The subconscious mind registers this onslaught and you find yourself unable to gather the will to move on. Unfortunately, the longer you stay, the more trapped you feel.

    The fact is, narcissistic people need their victim and will do anything they can to keep them controlled, particularly if they feel their partner has had enough and may slip away. They know how to push your buttons to keep you where they want you. But these people are far too self-absorbed to love. You just don't treat someone you love like that.

    How do you find the courage to say it's over ? You just say it, because you know time has come to move on, regain control over your life and peace of mind. Because you deserve it and owe it to yourself. Sure, he will miss his victim but he'll find another. The one you are hurting the most here is yourself.

    Please take care and make sure you remain firm...and safe.

    3 people found this helpful
  4. piratesmile
    piratesmile avatar
    1 posts
    17 August 2016 in reply to TBEJ

    Sweetheart, I am you in ten years time, maybe twenty. I saw your post and signed up to the forum simply so I could respond. I will tell you some of my story in the hope that you choose to make different choices and do not wind up with a tougher than tough road to battle. At 17 I briefly was involved with a man who I was never good enough for. I moved on. At 21, stupidly, after years of no contact, I got back into his life. Now the change happened. I was made to look a lunatic. I was ostracized from all friends and family. He genuinely made all people think I was crazy and I had such little self worth I believed it to be somewhat true. After several years, he raped me I got pregnant, and after our child was born went off with another woman. So I wound up alone, and the abuse still continued, because by that stage I had no self esteem whatsoever left, no one left to believe me and no support. The single best thing you can do for yourself is call a Centre Against Sexual Assault (CASA). The next best thing you can do is block his number, get a restraining order, move house, cut your losses and never, ever ever go back. He's a narcissist. He will do it til your dead or destroyed and the worse your pain the more he will get off on it. LEAVE. Make a proper decision for yourself and your health. PUT YOU FIRST - LEAVE you can make do with no friends, no money, no family, no furniture - you can not make do with no soul and that is what these guys are after and in ten years you will be me - with severe complex PTSD, unable to work, barely able to study and a host of other difficulties in my life. LEAVE. Its not love its control. Ring the CASA, get support in place and go to a women's refuge first.

    1 person found this helpful
  5. Moshniki
    Moshniki avatar
    19 posts
    17 August 2016 in reply to piratesmile
    Hope you find the courage and strength you need TBEJ

    Take my energy and courage you need it! ༼ つ ◕_◕ ༽つ ༼ つ ◕_◕ ༽つ ༼ つ ◕_◕ ༽つ

  6. Lostandscared12
    Lostandscared12 avatar
    1 posts
    3 September 2016 in reply to TBEJ

    Hi there TBEJ. I would like to share a story with you and i hope by reading this you may look at things in a different way and perhaps see where this rel ur in may end up. I recently broke up with my abusive partner of three years. Since the very beggining she was very manipulative and abusive, but always made sure to turn things around and make herself look like the victim. Im a soldier. And when i returned from afgan (after enduring 7 months pf her verbal abuse on the phone as she would often get jealous and accuse me of cheating when all i was doing was working my butt off around the clock). Anyways when i returned i noticed she was distant and i ended up finding out alot of lies she had told me whilst i was over there and i ended up finding out about her infidelity when i was gone. I ended up turning to drugs (despite my job pf course didnt allow it) and my life spiraled into addiction. One day the police were called to our house as we had a fight and the neighbours called them. From there we both got interviewed, and the police sided with her even though once again she had lied to get back at me and make herself out the victim once again. I got a dvo placed on me and i didnt contest it because i couldnt afford the legal fees, but the main factor was her convincing me not to fight it because she loved me and was sorry for saying those things and a court battle would end us. I loved her more than life itself so pf course i complied with her wishes. Skip to now - another fight and once again more pf her lies but this time her statement to police was so shocking and awful (being untrue and i felt betrayed), that i broke down in court when the duty lawyer read it out to me. During the course of of our relationship i put up with many incidences of her abuse which i never reported, threats by her that she would take my life away or threatened me into not reporting her or leaving her. She has turned my family, friends and everything i held hear against me. Ive relapsed because of her, ive been suicidal, am about to loose my job, and if i loose this next court battle i will get a criminal record and possibly a jail sentence. All from what she told people including the police, and they didnt need a scrap of evidence. They arrested me for 4 hrs and by the time i got home she was gone, as if all of it was part pf her sick game plan. It took me 3 years to realise the kind of persom she is, and abusive people like her and ur partner are capable of anything.

    2 people found this helpful
  7. Cornstarch
    Cornstarch avatar
    571 posts
    14 October 2016 in reply to Starwolf
    I love your posts Starwolf, so many heterosexual and homosexual relationships suffering from this poisonous dynamic.
  8. Cornstarch
    Cornstarch avatar
    571 posts
    14 October 2016 in reply to Lostandscared12

    So many guys will benefit from your post about dismantling the stigma that women are not abusers.

  9. White Rose
    Life Member
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    White Rose avatar
    6325 posts
    16 October 2016 in reply to TBEJ

    Hello TBEJ

    How are you managing? I see you have not replied since your first post on 13th August. Is everything OK with you? It would be good if came back and talked to us. There are several posts here encouraging you to leave this man. I am concerned that you have not returned to tell us what is happening for you.

    Mary

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